


Stop Telling Me to Breathe

by julia_wicker_the_goddess



Series: Disability Awareness [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Disability, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, cystic fibrosis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-05-14 21:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 32,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19281895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julia_wicker_the_goddess/pseuds/julia_wicker_the_goddess
Summary: Octavia Blake has cystic fibrosis, a chronic lung disease that will eventually kill her. Her best friend, Raven, and brother, Bellamy are her constant companions. Lincoln, the new guy in class, is drawn into her world and discovers that beyond the medications, symptoms, and hardships, Octavia is a person worth getting to know.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In later chapters, this story does contain referenced rape and the aftermath of it. I will be clearly marking and warning this, but if it is a trigger for you, you may not want to read this story. It is not the center of the story.

She’s in class and it’s fine. Her lungs are clogged and she’s having trouble breathing, but it’s fine. She  _ will  _ hold out for winter break. She  _ can’t  _ miss more school or she’ll be held back. Mucus catches in her throat and she coughs wetly, agonizingly, for what seems a long time.

“O, are you okay?” Raven whispers.

“What?” She asks, a bit dazed.

“Your cough sounds bad. Do you need to go to the nurse for a neb treatment?”

Octavia smirks. She finds it vaguely amusing that Raven knows her coughs well enough to know what was bad.

“I’m okay. Just a little gunky.”

“Alright.” Raven isn’t sure Octavia’s really okay, but she decides to leave her alone till the end of class.

Twenty minutes later, Octavia has been coughing almost continually.

“Hey, are you okay?” the new kid in class asks. His seat is next to hers. She’s pretty sure his name is Lincoln. He seems like a nice kid.

She’s about to say she’s fine when she erupts into another cough, this time gagging. When she recovers, she’s clutching at her chest and trying to breathe. She feels hungry for air, and it’s a terrible feeling. Raven raises her hand, asking if she can walk Octavia down to the nurse’s office, and Mr. Kane quickly complies. As they walk out into the hallway, Octavia braces against Raven’s shoulder as she coughs harshly. They  _ finally  _ get to the nurse’s office after what seems like miles of walking to Octavia. Indra, the school nurse, sits Octavia down and gets her nebulizer out. Within a couple of minutes, the girl is breathing in the mist deeply through the mouthpiece of the nebulizer. Raven squeezes her hand.

“I’ll go get us some good notes,” she says, leaving.

Octavia shuts her eyes and concentrates on breathing, moving only for long strings of wet coughing.

____________________________________________________________

Lincoln had noticed Octavia the first day he went to class, which had been in early November. He was trying to catch up on everything in school, since he had moved mid-semester because of a change in foster care.

He notices that the girl didn’t return to class, though Raven slid back into her seat. Was she okay?

“Is Octavia okay?” He whispers to Raven.

“Yeah. She has cystic fibrosis, so this is a pretty typical day for her.” Raven knows Octavia wouldn’t mind if she told this guy. It wasn’t like she could hide that she was sick, and she’d rather people knew she didn’t have some sort of contagious cough.

“Oh, okay,” Lincoln says. He doesn’t really know what cystic fibrosis was, but he’ll look it up later.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

When the neb treatment is over, she feels shaky and a little sick, but she can breathe a little better.

“How are you feeling now, Octavia?” Indra asks.

“Kinda tired and jittery.”

“Was it a rough morning?”

She nods. “I was thinking about not coming to school, but I don’t want to miss any more.”

“That’s understandable. I’m guessing IV antibiotics are coming soon?”

She nods.

“Well, do you want to go back to class?”

Of course, she wants to. She wants to be a normal teenager. She wants to have the energy to do everything. Unfortunately, she feels sick enough that all she has the energy to do is shake her head.

“I’m going to call your brother to come pick you up.”

She doesn’t protest. Indra calls her brother, and half an hour later, Bellamy is in the room helping her up and putting his arm around her to support her as they walk to his car. They stop several times as she braces herself against him and coughs.

On the ride home, her eyes drift shut and he can hear her lungs crackling even as her breaths slow and even out. When they get to the apartment, he nudges her awake.

“How do your lungs feel about walking?”

She thinks for a moment, knowing how she  _ wants  _ to answer. “They’re not up to it” she murmurs.

“Okay.” He gets out of the car and walks around to her side, opening her door. First, he grabs her backpack and puts in on, and then he picks her up. “You know, when I carry you, it’s the only time I’m glad you’re skinny as hell.”

She chuckles, but this sets off a fit of coughing, and she clutches onto him and shuts her eyes, throat burning.

He carries her through the lobby, catches the elevator up to the third floor, and they finally get to the apartment. He deposits her on the couch, setting her backpack down next to her. Her vest is soon fastened around her and turned on. It shakes her body, dislodging the gunk from her clogged lungs. She coughs, deeply, and grabs a tissue from the coffee table, spitting into it.

“Shit,” she says, turning off the vest.

“What’s wrong?”

The tissue is covered in blood when she turns it toward him.

“Oh… I’ll call Dr. Griffin.”

“Tell her I want to wait to go back in till Christmas break. This has happened a couple of times before, remember? And both times we went in for an x-ray and nothing showed up.”

“I’ll tell her, but if she wants you to go in, we’re taking you in.”

Bellamy calls her doctor, and Octavia lays down. He hands her a thermometer, which soon reveals that she has a fever of 101 ° F . 

“Where are you on the breath scale, O?”

“Like a four.” They had made up a breath scale similar to the “pain scale.” 10 was breathing perfectly, 1 was suffocating. 

“Are you having night sweats?” He asks, his ear still pressed to the phone.

She nods, coughing, then gagging.

Bellamy finally gets off the phone and sits down on the couch with his sister. She snuggles closer to him.

“What’d Dr. Griffin say?”

“She said to check in over the next couple of days, and no vest for 24 hours after any blood in your mucus.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want to sleep?”

“No. Let’s watch something.”

They settle on Gilmore Girls, and Octavia continues to cough and gag for another hour before she finally falls asleep. Luckily, she doesn’t puke. That often happens when the gunk in her lungs gets too thick. Octavia’s phone beeps and Bellamy gets it from her backpack.

“Hey O?” he says quietly.

“Yeah?” She mumbles, eyes still closed.

“Raven texted you. She’s wondering if you’re up to having her over.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty low maintenance.”

Raven comes to their house 20 minutes later.

“I’m here,” she says unceremoniously, dropping her stuff near the door.

Octavia is dozing again, and Raven comes into the living room, sitting down on an overstuffed chair.

“She’s pretty tired,” Bellamy says softly. “She was coughing up blood, so we can’t do airway clearance.”

“What does that mean as far as school goes?”

“It’s happened a couple of times before. It’s basically a sign of further infection. It means she needs to go back on IVs. She was hoping to wait until winter break, but I think she’ll be in the hospital within the next couple of weeks.”

Raven sighs.

“Have you called your mom?”

“No. She’s representing a client in court today.”

“Don’t you think she’d want to know?”

“We’ll tell her when the court is in recess. She usually texts us to check in.”

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia finally wakes up around 5pm, still coughing hard.

“Hey sleepyhead,” Raven says.

“Did you get me good notes?”

“Yup. Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“What if we made you mac and cheese?”

“I’ll try. I’ve been gagging a lot.”

“Okay. Hey, the new kid asked about you.”

“Lincoln?”

“Yeah. He wanted to see if you were okay.”

“Did you tell him I’m slowly suffocating to death?”

“No. I told him you have CF, and he didn’t ask any more questions.”

“You said nothing about my charming personality or steel trap of a mind?”

“Sorry, no.”

“I’m hurt,” she cries dramatically, then dissolves into a coughing fit. This one ends in her draped over the kitchen sink, vomiting. Bellamy rubs her back, whispering that it’s okay even though it’s not.

“Wanna sit down?” Raven asks.

She nods, grimacing, and she helps her back to the couch. The night is spent watching Gilmore Girls and trying to keep Octavia in good spirits. At around 9 pm, their mom finally comes home. She can hear Octavia’s deep coughing before she even gets through the door.

“What’s going on, Octavia? Have you done your vest?”

“Can’t.” she whimpers raspily.

“Why not?”

“She’s been coughing up blood,” Bellamy explains quietly to his mother.

“Did you call Dr. Griffin?”

“Yeah, she says we’ll keep monitoring it.”

“Okay. Honey, thank you for taking such good care of your sister.”

“It’s okay. You can’t do everything.”

The woman sat down next to her daughter, rubbing her arm gently.

“How are you, sweetie?”

“Tired.” She croaked.

“Do you want to take a bath?”

She ponders for a moment, then agrees, and in 20 minutes, she’s in the bathtub under a delicious foam of purple bubbles. For some reason, baths seem like the ultimate luxury for the girl, and for the short time before it goes cold, it seems that it makes her CF go away. The warmth and the candles she always lights make her feel comfortable and okay, and seem to loosen the tightness in her chest. That night, despite her clogged lungs and irritable stomach, she sleeps better.

 

____________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia manages to go to school in the morning, but once she’s there, she wishes she had stayed home. She had coughed up blood again, which means she can’t do her airway clearance until tomorrow, and her lungs are suffering. Bellamy carries her to the car and then to the door of the school, where Raven meets them and holds Octavia’s arm inconspicuously as they walk to History. Lincoln, the new kid who had apparently asked about her, greets her when she comes in.

“Hey, you’re Octavia, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m Lincoln.”

“Yeah, I know. I mean, it’s nice to meet you.” She stumbles over her words.

“Nice to meet you too. Are you feeling better?”

“Uh, yeah a little bit. There’s kind of always good days and bad days.”

He nods, not sure how to respond. 

“Alright, class, let’s get going,” Mr. Kane says, “I’m going to pair you up for the end-of-term paper that’s coming up in a couple of weeks.” 

He pairs them up, and whether it’s by chance or fate, Octavia and Lincoln are put together for the paper. They’re given the rest of the class period to work on their paper.

“I’ve gotta be honest, Lincoln. Raven gave me the notes for Mr. Kane’s lecture on the paper, but I haven’t looked them over yet.”

“That’s alright. Basically, we’re going to be writing a paper on one of the wars we’ve learned about this term. We have to explain how the war impacted the people, who won, and how you can see the effects of that war today.”

“Okay. Which one do you want to go for?”

“Maybe the civil war? I feel like everyone is going to do the Revolution or World War I.”

“Yeah, sounds good to me,” she said. She wheezes slightly, then erupts into coughing. It takes several long minutes for her lungs to calm down.

“Are you okay?”

“Yup, I’m fine. You know, the Civil War just got me so excited.”

He laughs.

“I mean, the only thing that could have been better than a civil war is some fucking civil behavior.”

“Octavia Blake,” Mr. Kane says half-heartedly from his desk. He doesn’t really care about swearing, but he’s supposed to bust the students on it. Meanwhile, Lincoln is cackling.

They haven’t finished their outline by the time class ends, and they need more time to work on their paper.

“Are you around this weekend?” Lincoln asks.

“Probably. I uh… might be going to the hospital this weekend. My pipes need a little maintenance. But hopefully, it can wait.”

“Okay… Well, if you’re not in the hospital, do you think you’ll be up to working on the paper?”

“Yeah, definitely. Would you mind coming to my apartment? I don’t have my license yet.”

“Sure.”

“Alright, can I text you my address?”

He nods, telling her his number, and moments later he gets a text with her address. 

When they part for their next classes, she feels bad that the guy got stuck with her as a partner. She’ll work hard on the paper, but if she ends up in the hospital, she’s not sure if she’ll have the time or energy to get her work in on time. He, on the other hand, is excited she’s his partner. It’s the perfect opportunity to get to know her better.


	2. Chapter 2

Saturday arrives, and Lincoln texts Octavia.

**Lincoln: RU in the hospital?**

**Octavia: No. What time are you coming over?**

**Lincoln: 4pm?**

**Octavia: Okay. Come hungry. My brother decided to make approx 500 Christmas cookies.**

**Lincoln: Wow**

**Octavia: Yup.**

A few hours later, Lincoln is let into the building by the doorman and makes his way to the third floor. He's amazed by how nice the building is compared to the apartment he lives in with his sisters. He knocks on the door, and a tall guy, maybe a few years older than him, answers.

"Are you Lincoln?"

He nods and the guy lets him in.

"Hey Lincoln," Octavia greets him raspily. She has steadily been getting worse in the past few days. Her lungs burn if she does anything more than sit. She's lounging in the living room with a blanket over her lap, textbooks strewn around her.

“You ready to get crackin’?”

Alright, I brought my laptop. I thought maybe today we could make an outline and start the paper, and then we can finish it on a shared document online."

"Sounds good."

"I figured we could start it with an anecdote; maybe a battle scene."

"I like it. Let's add some gory details; really set Mr. Kane on edge." Octavia suggests deviously.

They spend another hour and a half outlining and writing before Bellamy interrupts them.

"Hey, do you guys want some cookies?" Bellamy asks, bringing over a plate with 6 different kinds.

"Jeez, Bell, is there any sugar left in Manhattan?"

"Probably not."

Both teens take several cookies and Bellamy goes back to the kitchen.

"So uh… Is he just really in the Christmas spirit?"

"Kind of. I'll probably be in the hospital over Christmas, so I think he's trying to get as much in as possible."

"Oh. So uh… Why will you be in the hospital?"

"Well, with cystic fibrosis I have sticky mucus in my lungs, and I have a hard time getting it out. That causes infections and damage in my lungs, so I go in for rounds of IV antibiotics to try to get those under control."

"Wow."

"Yeah, it's a blast."

"Do you get a lot of visitors in the hospital?"

"Usually just Bellamy, Raven, and my mom."

"Hmm. Are you allowed to have more visitors?"

"Yeah. As long as people aren't sick and use good hand hygiene, anyone can come visit."

"Huh. Well, I'll have to keep that in mind."

"Oh, uh, you don't have to. I mean, that'd be nice, but I'm sure you have better things to do with your time."

"No, I don't. But I'll only come visit if you want me to."

"Well, yeah I guess it'd be nice to have more visitors."

They do as much work as they can on the paper, and the Lincoln goes home. He's really starting to like Octavia, and can't wait to see her again.

Sunday is a little rough, but Octavia gets through it and is in class on Monday morning. She and Lincoln meet to continue working on their paper after school.

"So Lincoln, got any siblings?" Octavia asks as they walk over to the library. It's only a block away from their school, but the cold weather and fatigue of the day are making it hard for her to breathe.

"Yep, I have two sisters: Lexa, who's in college for communication and Anya, who's 25. She's a lawyer."

"So is my mom."

"Nice! Is Bellamy your only sibling?"

"Yup." She pauses, leaning on the side of a building and coughing. The cold air seems to freeze somewhere between her mouth and her lungs, burning without providing her any relief.

"You okay?"

"Y-yeah just- Just give me a minute."

"Alright, you need anything?"

She shakes her head.

Eventually, they make it into the library, and Octavia sits down on the nearest couch. She tries to catch her breath, but her heart seems to be trying to escape her rib cage, and she feels like she's suffocating as she coughs and coughs.

"Hey, hey are you okay?"

Everything gets warm and blurry for a little bit, and then she finds herself lying down with Lincoln rubbing her shoulder gently.

“What happened?” She murmurs.

"You kinda wilted. Are you feeling any better?"

She nods.

"I'm sorry. I thought I could handle the walk."

"It's okay. Do you want to go home?"

"No way, let's work on the paper."

"Okay."

She sits up slowly, then pulls her laptop out of her bag.

"Alright, so let's talk about that Civil War."

"You know, this paper is going to be so good, maybe we should just write a history book together."

"Oh totally." Octavia grins.

They continue working on their paper and exchanging witty banter. Octavia feels bad that Lincoln had to see her like that. She’s used to people seeing her sick, but for some reason, she doesn't want Lincoln to see her that way. Lincoln is worried about Octavia. He's been thinking about her a lot and hates that she seems to be used to feeling like crap.


	3. Chapter 3

On Tuesday, Octavia isn't sure she's going to be able to walk to all of her classes, and is late to the last two because of how often she has to stop and cough and catch her breath. Many of the kids are starting to get sick, meaning she has to wear a papery mask at school, making her even more of a spectacle.

 

Lincoln and Octavia pretty much finish their paper during study hall, and Octavia is grateful because it means that if she has to go into the hospital, he won't suffer for it. The minute she gets home from school, she crashes and falls asleep while Bellamy does her chest P.T.; something quite challenging to do. He’s pounding on her back with cupped hands, and she falls asleep. He hates waking her up, but knows she’ll feel worse if she doesn’t finish the treatment. She doesn't eat that night. Bellamy is worried that she's losing weight, but knows if she's not eating it's because she's feeling nauseated and awful.

On Wednesday, her body is done. She throws up from coughing before she's even fully awake, and Bellamy finds her an hour later, crying. It's only 5 am, but he had heard her coughing.

"O, what's wrong?"

"I think I should go into the hospital today." She says, her breath crackling inside her.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I don't even know if I can get up."

"Okay. I'll call Dr. Griffin. Do you have a bag packed?"

She pauses, holding her hand over her mouth for a moment. He runs a hand through her hair while she squeezes her eyes shut, trying not to vomit.

"It's the brown one in the closet." She says, eyes still shut.

"It's going to be okay, O." He goes and calls Dr. Griffin, telling her that Octavia needs to come in. Then, he gets dressed and packs a bag with his laptop, phone, wallet, some snacks, a book, and chargers.

Octavia gets up and starts getting dressed, but she's coughing and then she's throwing up again, and soon she's sitting on the floor, resting against the wall and crying with a garbage can between her knees. Bellamy helps her back into bed. Her percussion vest is soon strapped on, and she uses it for an hour. She’s tired, but the coughing that the shaking of the vest causes keeps her awake. Bellamy brings her breakfast, but she doesn't eat it.

Their mom is in court with a client, so her secretary takes the message from Bellamy. Lucy knows the kids almost as well as their own mother, and tells them that she'll let the woman know as soon as court is in recess. She wishes them a short check-in, and tells Octavia that she's sending a little treat over to the hospital.

Their mother calls them two hours later. She asks if Octavia wants her there, and the girl says no. Going to the hospital is normal for her. She doesn't need to pull her mother out of court for something normal. Even though she can't breathe and keeps breaking down into bouts of crying, and really wants her mom to be there, she says no. Raven comes. Of course Raven comes. She texts Bellamy after school, and she's over within 15 minutes. She sits with Octavia and plays with her hair as they wait for the hospital to call. It's late in afternoon before they finally do, saying there's a bed ready for Octavia.

They pack up and Bellamy has to carry her to the car while Raven carries their bags. They drive the 20 minutes to the East Manhattan Children's Hospital. Bellamy drops them off at the door, then goes to park in the parking garage. Octavia had slipped a mask over her mouth and nose and Raven pushes her through the hospital in a wheelchair. They go off to a quiet hallway without a lot of traffic, so Octavia is at less of a risk of getting sick.

Bellamy finds them a few minutes later, and he checks her in.  _ Finally,  _ she's in a room and can take her mask off. Her intake nurse checks her weight, frowning slightly as she enters the number on the electronic tablet she's holding, then checks her blood pressure, temperature and oxygen saturation. She finds the last vital quite low, and quickly sets her up with an oxygen mask. They access the port in her chest, and start her on fluids, because she's dehydrated. Bellamy feels guilty they didn't bring her in sooner. He's supposed to take care of her. He should have brought her in, school be damned. Her health is more important.

 

While this is happening, Raven starts doing all the little things that make hospital rooms feel more homey. She tapes up pictures on the wall and unpacks out Octavia's blanket and pillow from home. She puts the patient's meds on the rolling table, and sticks her toiletries in the bathroom. Octavia had bought string lights a few years ago that they always strung up in the hospital, and Raven takes these out, hanging them up the best she can over things on the wall she hopes aren’t important. Octavia has spent so much time in the hospital over the years that all of them know how to make a hospital room as homey as possible.

Octavia is given x-rays and breath tests and has tons of blood taken. The doctor decides on the antibiotic she should be given, and they start her on it. It's 8pm when the business of the day is done, and she falls asleep with her vest on.

"How does she do that?" Raven asks. "She's being shaken like crazy, and she's just asleep."

"She did it yesterday while I was doing her chest P.T. She must be exhausted.”

"So, are you and Echo doing okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I just haven't seen her around much."

"Oh. She's studying for her final exams, so she's pretty stressed."

"Is that weird?"

"What?"

"That she's going to college this year and you're not."

"No, it's fine. I could be if I wanted to, it's just-"

"Octavia."

"Yeah."

"You know, she could manage. I don't think you give her enough credit."

"I know. But I want to be around. I think… I think she's going to need more support soon."

"Like what?"

"Home oxygen, maybe a mobility device."

She nods. She's seen the girl's lips turn blue more than once, and saw her pass out from the exertion of walking just a few weeks ago.

The timer goes off for Octavia's vest to be done, and Bellamy goes and turns it off. The patient wakes up and yawns as he helps her out of the thing.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"My face kind of feels like it's floating."

"I'm sorry."

"And I'm really cold."

"Okay." He bends down and kisses her hot forehead. She has a fever, which is expected but unpleasant.

"Is the oxygen helping you feel a little better?"

"I guess. I kind of feel all… pokey." This is the best word she can think of to describe the prickly way her skin feels; like little pins are sticking her from the inside.

"Do you want me to get a nurse?" Raven asks.

"No. It's fine," she mumbles, pulling her warm purple blanket from home up to her neck.

"Okay. I probably should get going. I have some homework to get done."

"Homework…" Octavia says, coughing wetly for a moment. "I'm missing school. I didn't make it to the end of the semester." She seems heartbroken, but Bellamy knows that most of it is the fever and the drugs and the exhaustion. He says goodbye to Raven, then sits on the edge of Octavia's bed.

"It's okay that you didn't finish the semester, O. Your health is more important."

"No, I'm missing so much school! What if I don't graduate on time?"

"You can catch up in the summer if you need to. You'll graduate no problem."

The girl begins to cry, and Bellamy smooths back her dark hair, telling her it'll be okay. 

He goes home to rest when their mom comes to the hospital. She sits with Octavia when her fever spikes. Octavia's mother is not a great comforter. She tries, but it's never been her specialty. Neither sleep much between the bouts of labored coughing and crying, and when morning comes, they're both worse for the wear.

Octavia's mother goes to work, and she's alone for a while. She sleeps most of the day away, waking up for breath tests, vitals, and offers of food, the last of which she mostly refuses. Her oxygen saturation is still low, so they keep her on the oxygen but switch her from a mask to a nasal cannula. She gets a text from Lincoln that afternoon.

**Linc: Raven said ur in the hospital.**

**O: Yep.**

**Linc: That sucks. Nd a visitor?**

**O: Yes, but maybe tmrw?**

**Linc: Ok. I’ll txt you tmrw to check you’re up for it.**

She can't help but be excited. Her days are long and hard, and it's nice to have visitors, even if she's not feeling the best.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Octavia gets a visit from the Child Life Specialist later in the day.

“Octavia, how are you?” The woman asks with a pleasant smile. It’s her job to aid Octavia with her emotional well being and try to keep her spirits up while she’s in the hospital. 

“I’m feeling pretty bad today.”

“Sorry to hear that. Is it your antibiotics?”

She nods. “And my oxygen levels are low, so I just feel kind of gross.”

“Sounds like you might not have a lot of energy for activities.”

She shakes her head, letting out a rattly breath out.

“Do you have some movies you want to see? Or audiobooks you’d like to listen to?”

“No. I’ve got some online lectures from one of my teachers I can listen to. If I can get him a paper by the end of winter break, I can move on to the next class, which will keep me on track to graduate next year.”

“Wow, you’re pretty motivated.”

“Yeah. I want to go to college for linguistics.”

“That’s really cool. ”

“I’ve always been interested in other languages and cultures.”

“So, is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”

Octavia shakes her head. 

“Okay. I’ll be around. Maybe when you have a little more energy I can get you something to do.”

She nods.

“How are you doing emotionally? You seem down.”

“Well, yeah. I feel down that I’m in the hospital and that I can’t do everything I want to do.”

“Okay. Have you ever thought you might be depressed?”

“I don’t know. If I have a good reason to be sad, does that make me depressed?”

“Do you think it interferes with your daily life?”

“No,  _ CF _ interferes with my daily life.” She feels hot all of a sudden. 

“Would you ever want to talk about things with a counselor?”

“Uh, no. I mean, I’d rather just talk with people I know.”

“Okay.”

The Child Life Specialist finally leaves, and Octavia tries back to sleep. She tosses and turns, adjusting her oxygen cannula and the wires attached to the port in her chest. But it’s not her body that’s uncomfortable; her mind just won’t stop spinning.

_______________________________________________________________________

 

Raven visits her that evening. Octavia is dozing but is shaken from her sleep when she hears a gasp from Bellamy.

“What happened?”

“Nice to see you too,” Raven says dryly.

“Raven, who did this?”

“My mom’s most recent boyfriend. He was drunk and high off his ass. I should’ve just stayed in my room, but I got bored.”

“Rae, it’s not your fault he hurt you. You should press charges.”

“I’m fine.”

“This shouldn’t be no big deal. You shouldn’t be fine after someone hurts you.”

She sits down on a chair, sighing. “Bell, I didn’t come here to be lectured. You and I both know this could have been a hell of a lot worse. I just want to put it behind me.”

Octavia decides to make it known that she’s awake, and turns over, opening her eyes. She sees Raven in a ¾ sleeve grey t-shirt, with a dark bruise on her cheekbone and a split lip.

“Hey O,” the girl says.

Octavia coughs and adjusts her oxygen cannula, then greets Raven.

“O, do you want some food?” Her brother asks.

“Want? No. Need? Probably.”

“Yeah, your doctor wasn’t too happy about your weight loss.”

“I’m trying my best,” she says a bit defensively.

“I know. What sounds the most bearable?”

“Some sort of sorbet. If that stays down, maybe some french fries.”

Bellamy goes to the cafeteria to get her the food, while Raven stays in the room.

“So your mom’s boyfriend hit you?” 

“Yeah.”

“Is that all he did?” She asks carefully.

“Yeah. I’ve got a few bruises on my ribs. Nothing terrible.”

“Okay,” she says softly, glancing at the dark bruise marring the girl’s face. “Do you think anything’s broken?”

“No.”

“Cause, I mean, we’re at a hospital. They could definitely check you out.”

“I’m fine.”

Raven won’t talk about it anymore. A few minutes later, Bellamy comes back with raspberry sorbet and a container of fries. She pops her pancreatic enzyme pills, which she has to take with every meal, and then starts in on the sorbet. She ends up eating a fourth of the pint and a few fries before falling asleep. Raven and Bellamy finish her food for her, not talking much. 

______________________________________________________________

 

The next day, Octavia’s fever isn’t as high and she feels a little better. Lincoln texts Octavia as he had promised to do.

 

**Linc: Can I come visit u?**

 

**O: Yah!**

 

An hour later, Lincoln is there. Octavia’s mother is at work, and her brother’s at home, leaving her lonely. Lincoln comes in wearing a heavy coat and a backpack. Octavia hasn’t been outside in a couple of days, but apparently, the temperatures have dropped.

 

“Hey Octavia, how are you?”

 

“Good! It’s good to see you.”

 

“Good to see you too.” He pulls off his backpack and coat. She can tell he’s trying not to stare at the tube going into her chest and the oxygen cannula but he can’t help it.

 

“Oh, um, this is my port. It’s this little thing in my chest that gives us good access to my veins so I don’t have to have IVs in my arms or whatever.”

 

He nods. “Does it hurt?”

“No, it’s actually a lot better than having my arms poked. Sometimes it hurts a little when they put a needle in, but it’s not a big deal.”

He nods, reaching and grabbing something from his backpack. First, he sets a thermos on the bedside table along with two tin mugs.

 

“Okay, so this might just be me, but last year when my sister was in the ER for a migraine, the hospital we were at had terrible hot chocolate. It was kind of burnt and way too sweet. So, I brought my homemade hot chocolate. It’s a recipe my grandmother used to make. If you don’t want it, that’s fine, but I also brought candy canes and marshmallows, because you really can’t not have those things with hot chocolate at Christmas time.”

 

“This is perfect!” Octavia says excitedly.

 

“Oh good, I’m glad.” He says, relieved. He pours them both mugs of the hot chocolate, then puts the bag of marshmallows on the over-bed table and hands her a candy cane.  Octavia takes a few pills with a gulp of water, then tries the hot chocolate.

“Oh my gosh, this is amazing.”

“Good.”

They sit and enjoy the hot chocolate for a while.

“Uh, so this was my sister’s idea,” he says, pulling something from his backpack. “She thought you might like paper snowflakes to decorate your room.” He set paper and two pairs of scissors on the table.

The girl smiles. “That’s such a good idea.”

 

That afternoon, she and Lincoln make paper snowflakes and talk. He tells her about how his sister brought home her girlfriend for Christmas, and the two of them have been completely inseparable. She tells him about Echo and how she’s at college, and Bellamy isn’t.

“So, does Bellamy work? I mean, since he’s not at college.”

“Yeah. He’s interning at my mom’s law firm. It’s not really his favorite thing, but she was pissed that he decided to take a gap year. I bet your parents are pretty proud of your sisters.”

“Uh, yeah they would be. They um, died a few years ago.”

“Oh, Lincoln… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” They were silent for a few minutes, and Octavia mentally kicks herself. 

“Uh, since we’re on the subject, is your dad… I guess... you never talk about him.”

“I don’t know who he is. My mom does, but she told me she’d rather have her fingernails pulled out than ever speak to him again.”

“Wow.”

“Yup.”

“So um… on that pleasant note.”

Octavia smiles.

“Are the IV treatments helping?”

“Not yet, but for the last two days my body has been reacting to them and now it’s calming down a little bit.”

“Well, that’s… good?”

“Yeah, it is.”

The rest of their visit is enjoyable. Lincoln hangs up the snowflakes with verbal direction from Octavia. The girl can’t help but feel sort of domestic and cute, even though this  _ definitely  _ isn’t a date. Lincoln is completely taken with Octavia. He wants to communicate to her that he’s interested without being pushy or creepy. He hopes he did a good job of that today. Admittedly, although he’s sometimes annoyed by his sisters’ advice, other times it’s very useful.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s been a week. Octavia’s oxygen saturation keeps dipping below accepted levels, and her doctor keeps her on oxygen. Christmas break is in full swing and all of her friends on facebook are posting cute pictures of them sledding and hanging out with their families. She, meanwhile, is dealing with a three-day headache from hell. It makes Christmas less than enjoyable. While she’s happy that her mom and Bellamy are both at the hospital with her, she has a hard time enjoying the time because of her low oxygen and pounding head.

 

Lincoln stops by a little too early on the day after Christmas, while Octavia is still being given chest P.T. by a nurse. He walks in on the nurse hitting Octavia’s side with cupped hands, the bed tilted so Octavia’s head is lower than the rest of her body.

“Hey, is this a bad time?”

“No, it’s fine,” Octavia says raspily, coughing and spitting into a tissue. “I told you about my vest, that shakes up my lungs. This is like that, but a little more targeted.”

“Ah, got it.” He sits down.

The nurse continues, and Octavia coughs and gags, trying her best not to throw up. 

“Sorry, Lincoln. If you want to go for a walk or something, you could. I know this isn’t the most pleasant thing to listen to.”

“Hey, it’s fine. You don’t have to apologize. The coughing is good, right? It means you’re clearing your lungs.”

“Yeah.”

“Good. It’s not bothering me.”

 

Fifteen minutes later, Octavia is done, though still coughing deeply.

“How are you doing?”

“A little better than the last time I saw you.”

“Good. Has the doctor told you a time frame for when you might get out?”

She shakes her head. “I still need to see the nutritionist before I go home, and my pulmonologist wants to see if my oxygen sats will go up as the antibiotics work. Otherwise, I’ll have to go home with oxygen, which I haven’t done since I was little.”

Lincoln nods. “Do you think that the antibiotics will work?”

“Probably not. As I’ve grown up, my body has built up resistance to some antibiotics. Maybe if we try another one, my lung function will improve. Or maybe my lungs just aren’t what they used to be… You know, I really don’t want to talk about health stuff anymore.”

“Okay. Well, I don’t know if you like board games, but I brought Settlers of Catan, if you want to play.”

“I love this game! My brother and I play it all the time.”

“Awesome.”

They assemble the tessellation of hexagons that make up the board, then sort the pieces and start the game. As they play, Octavia tells him about how the Child Life Specialist came over on Christmas Eve with Christmas colors of nail polish, which is why her fingernails are painted in red and green glitter. He says he likes them; they’re very festive.

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Raven visits later that day. Her split lip has healed, but her cheekbone is still a greenish color. She looks tired and angry but greets Octavia with a small smile.

“How was your Christmas?” Octavia asks from under her covers. It’s been a long day, and she hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep.

“Didn’t have one.”

“Oh.”

“My mom ODed. I had to spend the day in the ICU with her while her boyfriend was god-knows-where.”

“Oh god. Is she okay?”

“Yeah. Not like I care. She’ll be discharged tomorrow.”

“Raven, come on. You would care if she died.”

“Would I, O? Would it be that bad of a thing? I mean, if I had been left to her I would have starved to death. Maybe I shouldn’t have called 911 this time. Maybe I should have just let her go.”

Octavia gets up and hugs her friend. She can tell she’s overly emotional which is never good for Raven.

“I can’t do this, O,” Raven says, voice dangerously close to crying.

“I’m so sorry..”

“How am I supposed to live like this for another two and a half years?”

“You’re trying to save up to move out, right?”

“Yeah, but I can’t until I turn eighteen.”

“You know, you can always stay at our house.”

“Yeah. But I have to go home sometimes.”

“Do you?”

“Well, I’m sure your mom doesn’t want me around all the time.”

“She’s barely ever home. She probably wouldn’t even notice. Besides, you’re basically family, Raven.”

The girl smiles and wiggles out of Octavia’s hug.

“Raven, why don’t you try to call the police on your mom? Or at least on her boyfriend.”

“We’ve been over this. I’ll go into foster care, which is the only thing that sounds worse than my current situation.”

Octavia nods.

“Are your lungs clearing up at all?” Raven asks, abruptly changing the subject. 

“I’m not as gunky, but my oxygen sats are still low. It might just be that this is my new baseline.”

She erupts into a long bout of coughing and braces herself on the arm of Raven’s chair. Raven gets up and guides her to sit down. 

“So um, I heard Lincoln came to visit. Twice.”

“Who’d you hear that from?” Octavia asks, catching her breath.

“One of the nurses. Apparently, she thinks you make a very cute couple.”

“We’re not dating.”

“Do you want to be?”

“I don’t know… maybe.”

Raven smiles goofily. 

“Anyway, are you hungry? I could grab you something from the cafeteria.”

“No, I don’t want anything.”

“Come on, Octavia. Isn’t your nutritionist going to bust your ass tomorrow?”

“Yeah… I guess I would try some apples and peanut butter.”

Raven disappears for 15 minutes and comes up with an apple, peanut butter, and a bottle of ginger ale.

“Thanks Rae.”

“Well, I should probably get going. The buses only get creepier as the night gets later.”

“Raven, why don’t you stay here tonight?”

“O, I--”

“Come on, you’ll sleep better here, and it’s not like you have school tomorrow. I don’t like the idea of you going back to your apartment with your mom’s boyfriend there.”

“Will the nurses mind?”

“Nah. I’ll tell them you’re my cousin.”

She pauses for a moment. She hates letting people do things for her, but she’s also scared to go home. Her mother’s boyfriends have done worse than just hit her, and with her mom gone, there wouldn’t be anyone to distract the current one.

“Fine.”

“Yay!” Octavia says, digging into her apples and peanut butter.

The girls fall asleep watching the hunger games on the TV, and both feel better in the other’s company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments are so encouraging. Keep it up!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one hurts. 
> 
> Trigger Warning for discussion of rape.

Octavia’s oxygen saturation doesn’t improve, and she realizes it had probably been low for a while at home. The doctor tries her on a different IV medication and sends her home with the rest of those IV meds and an oxygen tank to use as needed. She’s thankful to be home, but usually, she feels better after she’s in the hospital, and this time she doesn’t. School starts in two days, and Octavia mostly rests and organizes; she knows she needs to save her energy for the school days to come.

 

When she shows up at AP Euro, she’s lugging a backpack that carries her oxygen tank and IV infusion ball along with her books and a pencil case. Lincoln is already sitting there and grinning at her. She had texted him that she had made it home, and he rejoiced with her. Now, he gets up and gives her a hug.

“Hey, still on oxygen, huh?”

“Yeah,” she says glumly. 

Raven walks in just then. She gives Octavia a delicate hug.

“Hey, you doing better?” Raven asks.

“Mmm, kind of. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Is your mom home?”

“Yeah. She’s a mess. They put her in withdrawal, so she was puking on the bus, and she’s been wrecked ever since she got home.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Alright, class let’s get started,” Mr. Kane says. As class starts, Octavia finds the sound her oxygen tank makes obnoxious, and hopes she’s over-sensitive to how loud it is. The last thing she wants is to do is be even more annoying than she already is with her loud coughing during classes.

_________________________________________________________________

 

Lincoln comes over after the third day back at school. He brings Captain America: The First Avenger for them to watch. They pop microwave popcorn and swath themselves in blankets because it’s so freaking cold outside. Octavia is startled when she realizes she wishes she’s snuggling with Lincoln instead of them being on the opposite ends of the three-seat couch.

“So, who’s your favorite Avenger?” Lincoln asks.

“Hmmm. I guess if I really had to choose, I’d say Black Widow.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty amazing. And worthy of holding the Mjolnir.”

“Sooo true. Who’s your favorite?”

“I’m a big Falcon fan.”

They watch the film, and Octavia can’t stop glancing at Lincoln. Apparently, all of a sudden, she has a crush on him? A  _ big  _ crush. The kind of crush that has her testing out the name Octavia Trikru. Unfortunately, her thoughts are interrupted by her brother coming home. He got a little weird when he found out Lincoln had visited her twice in the hospital, and now he was making 

an absolute racket in the kitchen as they watched their movie.

“Bellamy, are you doing dishes, or having a war in there?” 

He doesn’t respond.

 

When they finish the movie, Bellamy comes in and sits between them on the couch.

“So, what were you guys watching?”

“The first Captain America.”

“Ah, nice.”

Octavia can’t even see Lincoln’s face with Bellamy in the way. Irritably, she moves over to the chair perpendicular to the couch so she can see him again, but the movement triggers a coughing fit.

“Hmm, sounds like you need a neb and some PT,” Bellamy says, and it sets Octavia off.

“Chill, Bell. Don’t you have somewhere to be, or something?” She’s pissed and he knows to back off.

“Yeah, I guess I should shower… or something,” he says with a grin, and goes off to his room.

“Uh, should I go?” Lincoln asks.

 “No. Bellamy’s just being his weird overprotective self. I swear, whenever we’re out and there’s someone who’s sick around, he will literally human shield me.”

“Well, I’m not sick.”

“Yeah, uh… I don’t think that’s what he’s worried about. It’s more that you’re a male... type person. Not that I think you’re, like, into me or anything. But he might.” She can feel that she’s blushing furiously, and it has nothing to do with the fever she had had only the day before.

“Well, I guess I wouldn’t say I’m  _ not  _ into you.” He says quietly.

“Um, oh?” Her breath hitches a bit.

“Yeah, I mean you’re definitely a person I enjoy a lot… and I guess I do hope to spend more time with you, possibly go to eat food… and do things, like I was maybe going to see if you wanted to go skating sometime. So I guess I was probably going to ask you at some point… I guess I’ll just ask you now. Um, do you want to… date? Me?”

Before she can answer, they hear Bellamy howling with laughter from his room.

“Bellamy, I’m going to kill you!” She yells. She’s blushing even further. “Yeah, Lincoln, I would like to date you.”

“Really?”

She laughs. “Yeah. Also, skating sounds like fun.”

“Okay, great!”

It’s nearing 7pm, and both of them have homework to do, so they say goodnight. Lincoln is grinning like a little kid the whole bus ride home, and Octavia would be, if she wasn’t giving Bellamy a stern talking-to.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

The next day at school, neither teen can keep their eyes of the other. They keep glancing at each other, then quickly averting their eyes. Near the end of the day, Raven pulls Octavia aside. The Latina is wearing a crew-necked sweater, which is not her usual style, and Octavia wonders if she got beat up again. She had noticed a few weird bruises on Raven’s arms when she rolled her sleeves up at lunch. Raven has also been solemn and quiet all day, which is unusual. Normally, she cracks jokes and gets sassy with the teachers, but today she keeps her head down.

“Hey, um, can I spend the night at your place? My…  things aren’t good at home.”

“Of course.”

She nods her thanks.

“Are you--”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay, but I want answers later.”

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

They get home, and Octavia does a vest treatment right away, because her lungs have been especially gunky. 

“Raven, you should tell me what’s going on at home,” she says, her voice shaking slightly from her vest.

“I’m fine. Just sick of my mom and her boyfriend.” Her voice is flat.

“You seemed a little desperate not to go home this afternoon.”

“Lay off, Octavia.”

“No. I want to know what’s happening. It’s not like you’re telling anyone else.”

“My mom’s boyfriend… I mean, he’s like all the others. It’s not news.”

“I saw the new bruises on your arms. What else did he do?”

“I don’t wanna talk about this.” Her voice has a sharper edge than usual.

“Raven…”

“Stop, Octavia. Why do  _ I  _ have to be the one who feels punished after  _ he  _ hurts me.”

“I just need to know if he--”

“No, you don’t! Mind your own frickin’ business.”

“Raven, I need to know if we need to buy you the morning-after pill. The last time it happened, you hadn’t started your period. Now it’s different. You could get--”

“Shit.”

“So we need to--”

“Shit... Yeah.” 

“You should probably get checked out for STDs, too.”

Raven hides her face. 

“Shit.”

Octavia can tell she’s crying.

“I’ll get Bellamy to drive us. Urgent care is still open, so we don’t even have to go to the ER.” Octavia’s trying to sound comforting, but she doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know whether to stop her vest and give Raven a hug, or give her space. She grabs her phone and texts her brother.

 

**O: Raven 911. Need you to drive us to urgent care ASAP**

**B: How bad?**

**O: She needs Plan B. It was her mom’s boyfriend.**

**B: Plan B?**

He sends a second text moments later when he realizes.

**B: Oh. I’ll be there ASAP**

 

“He says he’ll be here soon,” Octavia says to Raven. They turn on Parks and Recreation, and neither girl pays too much attention. When Bellamy gets home, he immediately walks into the living room, wanting to see how Raven looks; if she’s okay. She has red eyes, but other than that, it’s hard to see if anything is wrong with her.

“Are you guys ready?” He asks simply.

Octavia nods and grabs a bag, putting her iPad, a textbook, and her IV meds into it; she’ll probably have to start the next round when she’s there. Raven follows them out to the car silently.

“Raven,” Bellamy says on the way, “At the clinic, they might want to do a rape kit. They’ll collect evidence for if you ever want to follow through with pressing charges. You don’t have to decide anything, they’ll just collect it in case you ever want to use it.”

“No, I’m not doing that.”

“But Raven--”

“No! I’m not getting swabbed all over and relinquishing my underwear. I took a shower and changed my clothes anyway, so there’s nothing to collect. How do you even know about this stuff?”

“Echo had to take one of her friends in.”

“All I want is testing for STDs and a morning-after pill. I won’t do anything else. I don’t know why I’m even discussing this with you.”

_________________________________________________________________________

The wait in urgent care is agonizing. Raven is too quiet and her hands are shaking a bit. Octavia is glad she can be with her friend, but all the sick people around are making her paranoid. She has a paper mask covering her face, but if she gets sick, she’ll end up in the hospital and miss school. When Raven’s name finally gets called, they try to figure out if Bellamy should go back with her, and finally decide that just Octavia will go with Raven. The girl refuses to let the doctor examine her, and won’t answer any questions about her sexual encounter. The doctor orders blood and urine tests, and prescribes birth control. Apparently, they could have just gone to any old drug store to pick up the morning-after pill. The urine test is a quick trip to the bathroom, but they have to wait another 20 minutes for the girl’s name to be called for the blood draw.  When that's over, they go to the drug store and pick up Raven's prescriptions, and then they finally go home.

  
  
  


It’s 8pm by the time they get back, and their mother is home.

“Did you enjoy your outing?” She asks absentmindedly. She has no idea where they were.

“Uh, yeah,” Octavia says, coughing roughly.

“Honey, have you done your chest P.T. tonight? You sound awful.”

“No, I haven’t gotten to it.”

“Okay, I can do it for you.”

Raven slips into the bathroom to take her pill while Octavia and her mother go into the girl’s room to do her chest PT. 

 

Before they go to bed for the night, Bellamy pulls Octavia into his room.

“O, I think we need to call the police.”

“Raven doesn’t want us to.”

“She’s scared, I get it. But what that guy did to her… he shouldn’t get away with it.”

“Will it even go anywhere if there’s no proof?”

“It’ll probably start an investigation at least. And maybe that’ll get her mom or the boyfriend on something else.”

She nods. “We should tell her, at least.”

“Okay.”

 

Octavia goes out to find Raven sitting, staring at nothing in the living room.

“Hey.”

Raven startles.

“Um, Bellamy and I want to talk to you.”

“Okay…”

They go to Bellamy’s room and sit her down.

“Rae, we need to call the police about what happened.”

“No.”

“You can’t go back to that situation.”

She’s shaking her head furiously. “No way. No, you can’t call the police.”

“Rae, it’s not safe. You’re not safe. We care about you, and we need you to be okay.”

“I’ll deny all of it. I’ll say you’re crazy or have a vendetta against my mom’s boyfriend. I won’t tell the police anything.”

“What? Rae, you’d protect that monster?”

“I can’t go to foster care. I can’t and I won’t.” She’s shaking with intensity, eyes wild.

“Rae, you’re being crazy.”

“No, you know what’s crazy? Being raped and then being taken away from my mom and my friends and dumped in some random people’s house that are probably doing foster care for the money and might be even worse than my mom’s boyfriend. I can get my mom to dump him. But I’m not going to the police, and if you go to them I will never talk to either of you again. And I won’t tell them anything either, so it’ll just be a big waste.”

Bellamy puts his head in his hands.

“Now I’m going to bed.” She says firmly, getting up and going to Octavia’s bedroom. But then she starts crying. She cries in the bathroom while she brushes her teeth. She cries in the dark kitchen when she goes for a glass of water. She cries silently in the little nest they created for her on the floor to sleep in.

“Raven?” Octavia whispers after the lights are off.

“Yeah?” Her voice is shaky and soft.

“Do you want to come sleep up here?”

There’s a pause, and then a rustling of blankets. Soon, Octavia feels her mattress dip as Raven slips into bed beside her. Both girls are skinny, but the twin bed is still a little tight for the two of them. Raven ends up curling around Octavia, and they fall asleep to the steady sound of the CF patient’s oxygen mask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think Bellamy and Octavia should have called the police anyway? What other opinions or theories do you have for the story?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot happens in this one.

The next day is hard. Raven is nauseated and her abdomen keeps cramping up, but she doesn’t know if she can take anything for it, and she  _ definitely  _ doesn’t want to go to the school nurse about it. Octavia slips her Advil in the bathroom and she takes it, praying to every deity she can think of that it won’t do something bad to her body with Plan B still working its way through her body.

 

Octavia insists that she stay at her place again that night.  

“Hey Lincoln, “ Octavia says, catching him at lunch. “Uh, I need to cancel our skating plans for tonight. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay. Is it the cold weather?”

“No, it’s Raven. She’s um, not in a good place. If you want to come over and watch movies, we could do that. She just needs company.”

“Okay. You haven’t seen Spiderman Homecoming too recently, have you?”

“No. I’d love to watch that. And Raven would be totally down.”

“Alright, see you tonight.”

_________________________________________________________________________

 

When Lincoln shows up that night, Octavia greets him with a hug, and they go into the living room. Raven is lying curled up on the couch, silent and staring with a heating pad pressed to her abdomen. Lincoln knows enough about periods from his sisters to guess that she’s probably on hers. But then, there’s something about her face which makes him sense something more is going on.

“Hi Raven.”

“Hey,” she says softly. Octavia sits down beside her and Raven adjusts so that her head is in the girl’s lap. Lincoln puts the movie in and they don’t talk much; there’s a dark mood in the room that none of them can shake.

 

After the movie, Raven goes to get ready for bed, and Octavia walks Lincoln to the door.

“Hey, thanks for being flexible tonight. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. You’re a really good friend to Raven. I don’t know her that well, but it seems like it’s good she’s here.”

“Yeah. Things at home aren’t good for her. I wish there was a good way to get her out of there.”

“Is she not safe at home?”

Octavia shakes her head. “But she doesn’t want to go into foster care. She wants to keep going to our school, and stay with her friends. .”

“Has she ever tried to get emancipated?”

“What’s that?”

“It’s where you can live on your own and act as your own guardian as long as you follow certain requirements. She should look into it.”

“I’ll tell her about it.”

“Good.”

“Yeah, good.” She smiles. 

“Well, I should go. See you at school on Monday,” he says. Then, before she knows what’s happening, he’s leaning toward her and then his lips meet her cheek below her nasal cannula and she can feel the scruff on his face. She smiles as he pulls back. 

“See you at um, at school,” she says after a second. She’s completely head over heels for him, and it makes her feel and act like an idiot more often than not. 

________________________________________________________________________

 

Raven says she’ll look into emancipation when Octavia tells her about it. She returns to her sass and sarcasm after a few days, and Octavia isn’t sure if she’s doing better or just refusing to deal with things, but Raven decides to go home on Wednesday afternoon.

 

“Rae, I really don’t want you to do this.”

“I’m out of clean clothes, O. I’ve gotta go home eventually.”

“We can do laundry.”

“Octavia, I can’t avoid going home forever. I told you, I’ll talk with my mom; ask her to dump that asshole. But I’m going home.”

Octavia nods resignedly. “Please be careful.”

“I will. Promise.”

  
  


When Octavia goes home, she’s filled with worry for her friend. She keeps pacing around the house till Bellamy comes home.

“What’s up?” He can practically feel the waves of anxiety coming off her.

“Raven went home.”

“What?”

“She wouldn’t come home with me. She said she’d be fine. Bell, I’m really worried about her.”

He sighs. “Maybe we should call the police.”

“Bell, you saw how adamant she was. I really don’t think she’ll cooperate or tell them anything.”

“We can’t just leave her there.”   
“I know. I don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll check in on her as much as we can; invite her over often and keep an eye out for bruises or anything else.”

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Lincoln and Octavia realize that she’s never been to his house or met his sisters. They remedy that the next Friday when Lexa is home from school. She takes the bus with him to his apartment and when they get there, the elevator is out of service. It’s only a three-story apartment building, so it shouldn’t be a problem, but for her, it is. It takes her a long time to get up the first flight and she’s so winded that she has to sit down on the stairs and crank up her oxygen. She coughs and coughs, resting her head against the wall and closing her eyes.

“How are you doing?” He asks after a couple of minutes.

“Sorry. This shouldn’t be a big deal.”

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s not your fault.”

“We’re late. Now your sisters are going to hate me.”

“No they’re not.”

She sighs, then gets up. Meanwhile, he grabs her oxygen backpack and puts it on himself, tucking an arm around her back for support. They  _ finally  _ make it upstairs, and when they get inside, three women are in the kitchen. One, in a pristine tan dress and a pair of heels approaches her. She feels underdressed in her jeans, leather jacket, and combat boots. 

“You must be Octavia. I’m Anya.” She holds out her hand and Octavia shakes it. 

“It’s nice to meet you.” She goes into a coughing fit, and coughs into her elbow, instead of letting it free. She’s not contagious, but she knows a new person might be grossed out.

“We’ve been telling Lincoln that we wanted to meet you ever since he told us about you,” a girl with wavy brown hair says from beside the stove, where she’s stirring something. “I’m Lexa.”

“And I’m her girlfriend, Clarke,” the blonde girl beside her says. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Octavia smiles, feeling a little awkward and more than a little out of breath from the stairs. Luckily, Lincoln pulls a chair out for her at the table, and she sits down gratefully, taking her oxygen backpack from him and setting it down next to her. She’s not sure if Lincoln has told them about her cystic fibrosis, and wonders what they think of her oxygen tubes.

“Octavia, would you like something to drink? We have water, soda, tea…”

“I’d love some soda.”

 

Eventually, they sit down to eat and the food is amazing. She and Bellamy usually just make simple food or order out, but here they’re having roasted chicken, green beans, and crispy smashed potatoes with blueberry pie for dessert. It’s delicious, but she has no appetite, and only eats a little of what’s on her plate. She hopes she doesn’t seem rude, but she’s pretty sure vomiting would be ruder than barely eating.

“Octavia, are you a Sophomore this year?” Anya asks.

“Yeah.”

“Oh god, I remember those days,” Lexa says. “All-nighters to finish papers, trying to get good experiences for my resume.”

“Experiencing your sexual awakening with me,” Clarke says smoothly and Lincoln covers his ears.

“I don’t need to hear about this.”

Lexa laughs and kisses Clarke on the cheek.

They continue talking for an hour after dinner, and Octavia loves his family. Both of his sisters are a little intense, but she can tell that they really love their brother, and they’re kind to her. 

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  
  
  


She gradually starts feeling a little better and spends more time with Lincoln. They have their skating date, and it’s wonderful. It happens to fall on a 30-degree day, meaning her breath comes a little easier to her and she can skate for 15 minutes straight before she has to take a break. They go back to his apartment, where the elevator is now fixed, and have hot chocolate. He kisses her as she leaves and she feels giddy the whole bus ride home.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Two Fridays later, she can’t breathe and she’s coughing when she wakes up, but that’s normal, so at first, she doesn’t even realize she’s sick. But then she’s having breakfast and she keeps sneezing and realizes she’s significantly more congested than normal.

“O, are you sick?” Bellamy asks, peeking his head into her room.

She starts to say no and then sneezes.

“Have you taken your temp?”

She sighs and shakes her head.

He grabs the thermometer from the kitchen cupboard and hands it to her. A minute later, she takes it out, and it says she has a fever of 102 degrees F.

“You shouldn’t go to school like this.”

“I’ve gone to school with a fever before.”.

“It’s going to be worse if you run yourself into the ground.”

“It’s just one day, and then I’ll rest over the weekend. I promise!”

“It’s up to you, Octavia. It’s your health and your body, and you’ve gotta make the decision that’s best for you.”

“I’m going to school. I’ll be fine.”

He sighs.

“Call me if you need anything.”

“I will.”

____________________________________________________________________

  
  


School is exhausting. She has her oxygen cranked up all the way and she feels uncomfortable from her fever despite taking ibuprofen to try to lower it. 

“O, are you okay?” Lincoln asks during lunch. She’s falling asleep resting her head in her hands, elbows on the table.

“Ugh.” she mumbles.

He puts a hand on her flushed cheeks, then on her forehead.

“You’re burning up.”

“I’m fine. I just have a cold or some shit.”

“Do you need to see the nurse?”

“No.”

He gives her a look, but doesn’t ask her anything else.

She gets through the day, coughing obnoxiously through every class, and goes home to sleep. Lincoln comes over at 4pm and makes her spicy chicken soup, which he says will clear the snot right out of her sinuses. He also brings a few movies, and they end up watching X-Men: First Class. He’s incredibly sweet to her and she would be gushing over it if she didn’t feel so crumby. 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

On Saturday she basically just sleeps. She only gets out of bed to go to the bathroom, and the only thing that makes her feel the tiniest bit better that day is the three times that her mom does chest P.T., loosening some of the gunk in her lungs. Lincoln texts her.

 

**L: You feeling any better?**

**O: Not really.**

**L: Sorry. :( Want some company?**

**O: No thanks. I think I just need sleep.**

**L: Ok. Hope you feel better soon!**

 

She doesn’t get better, and on Sunday she doesn’t wake up till 1pm, when she gets a phone call from her brother, who is in Jersey City visiting Echo. She tries to speak, but instead, she ends up coughing for a few minutes, her brother waiting patiently till she stops.

“Hello?” She says groggily. 

“Wow, you sound like death.”

“I feel like death left out on the counter for 3 weeks.”

“Are you doing okay? Have you had anything to eat?”

“I just woke up.” 

“Will you take your temperature?”

She does, and she still has a fever of 102 degrees Fahrenheit. 

“Why don’t you give your doctor and the CF clinic a call and let them know what’s up. Mom left you saltines and a thermos of tea. She had to see a client.”

Sure enough, she sees the crackers and thermos on her table.

“Where are you on the breath scale?”

“I don’t know. Like a three or four.”

“Is your oxygen on?”

“I took it off when you called.”

“Okay. I probably won’t be back until 7 or 8 tonight, but let me know if you need me, okay?”

“Okay.”

They hang up, and Octavia needs to pee. She sits up slowly, knowing that her oxygen sats are low and if she exerts herself too much, she’ll pass out. She holds onto her bed as she slowly stands up. Black dots creep into her vision and her knees almost give out, but she leans heavily on the bed and waits for it to pass. She holds onto walls and furniture as she makes her way to the bathroom. It’s stupid how out of breath she is, but she left her oxygen in her room, wanting both hands for steadying herself instead of one holding her oxygen tank. She makes it to the bathroom, and it’s fine. That is, It’s fine until she gets up from the toilet, and then everything starts going dark, and she can’t find something to hold onto. She feels her head hit something as she falls.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments if you enjoy this story. It is so helpful and motivates me to write!


	8. Chapter 8

Her forehead hurts.

“It’s okay, O.”

It sounds like Bellamy, but that’s impossible, because that means she’s been lying on the floor for 6 hours. She tries to cough, but she can’t. Too tired to open her eyes, she settles for twitching her hand, and feels a warm, comforting grip before she slides back under.

___________________________________________________________________________

 

She wakes up again, and she feels kind of heavy. Opening her eyes, she sees Bellamy sitting next to her. She can’t make a sound and she tries to sit up, to grab Bellamy, but then something in her throat is jarred and it feels  _ bad _ , and then she’s gagging.

“Woah, it’s okay, just calm down, O. You’re intubated.”

She gags again, and he grabs the remote from her bed, pressing a button. 

“Hey, look at me,” he says, holding her face. “You’re okay. Alright? Don’t fight the tube. Just let your breaths follow the machine, okay?”

She tries, but her eyes start tearing up and she’s scared and confused. A few moments later, someone else is in the room, and then things are getting hazy again.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

The next time she’s aware of what’s going on, the tube is gone. Her throat is sore, but she’s happy she can breathe on her own, albeit with a high-flow oxygen tube still in her nose. It sort of feels like someone has a cold blow dryer pointed up her nostrils. No one is in her room, and she’s too tired to do much besides look around at the yellow walls and a whiteboard that says her name and goals for the day. She reaches her hand tentatively to her forehead and finds a bandage. Her chest hurts too, but she can’t see why. After a few minutes, Bellamy comes in with a cup of coffee in hand.

“Where’s  _ my  _ coffee?” Octavia asks raspily as he hurries to put it down. He hugs her loosely, avoiding touching her chest. She realizes that she has IV fluids going into her port.

“Octavia Blake, you are not allowed to scare me like that ever again.”

“I’m fine now, Bell.” She’s achy and has a pounding headache and her lungs feel like they’re clogged with cement, but she’s not going to say that.

“Yeah,  _ now  _ you’re fine. Not so much when I found you passed out in the bathroom bleeding from the head. You fucking crashed in the ambulance, O. They had to shock you. You can’t do that to me.” He’s still hugging her.

“Sorry. I’ll try to avoid it next time.”

“It’s just terrifying. They had to suction you out, and I think your body was so tired, it just wasn’t breathing well on its own, so they intubated you.”

“Yeah, waking up with that shit in my throat was a joy.”

“I bet.”

“Where’s Mom?”

“One of her clients got attacked. She’s making sure she’s okay. She hasn’t left the hospital at all except today.”

“What day is it?”

“Wednesday.”

“I missed three days of school?!” She asks in a panic.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, O.” He knows she hates missing out on things; hates the idea of being behind.

“What are my odds of getting out of here tomorrow?”

“I’d say slim to none. You’ve still got high-flow oxygen because you keep de-satting. Your lungs aren’t pulling their weight, kid.”

She puts her head back, sighing.

Bellamy tries to distract her, turning on Parks and Rec on his laptop. His phone buzzes and he looks at it, sighing.

“So, Lincoln somehow got my phone number and he’s texted me like once every 5 minutes since you’ve been in here.”

She cracks a smile at that.

“Here, text him before I strangle him,” He says, placing his phone in her lap.

 

**O: Hey, this is O. I’m still alive!**

**Linc: GOOD! I was getting worried. Bell said you were really sick.**

**O: What are** **you up to?**

**Linc: Homework. HBU?**

**O: Watching Parks and Rec with Bell.**

**Linc: Wait, are you home?** **  
** **O: Nope. Hopefully soon. Gotta make sure that I can keep breathing well on my own.**

**Linc:  Yeah, seems like a good goal.**

**O: I mean, yeah. Breathing… Pretty important.**

 

A respiratory therapist comes to do chest PT for her that night and it’s  _ hard  _ work. She throws up from the mucus and is so exhausted that they stop it early because she truly can’t cough anymore.  

 

On Thursday, her CF doctor comes to talk with her and brings up something she didn’t think she’d hear for another decade.

“Octavia, I think we should start a transplant evaluation on you.”

She’s speechless. 

“It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll go on the list right away, but if we get an idea of what we’re working with as far as your body goes and get you set up with all the healthcare professionals, then when the times comes, it’ll all be ready.”

“So…” Her voice wavers. “So I’m pretty bad, huh?”

“You’ve seen your pulmonary function tests. They’ve declined pretty significantly in the past year. And when you get a transplant, we need you strong enough to survive it. That means we can’t wait till you’re dying. We need to be ready to do it when you’re still healthy enough to work really hard. Transplant life is hard. People die in surgery or recovery. They need strength to get through the possibility of their bodies rejecting the lungs. They’re immunocompromised for the rest of their lives. And you’ll still have CF. Your pancreas and your sinuses will still be sick.”

She wants to scream. She knows all this. She clutches onto Bellamy’s hand.

“I know this is a lot. I’ll let scheduling know, and they’ll set up a week-long evaluation where you’ll meet with surgeons, psychologists, nutritionists, physical therapists, etc., and they’ll let you know what you’re in for. Come with lots of questions.”

She nods. Her mom is standing there, emotionless, just listening.

“Okay, so we’ll plan to see you at clinic next month?”

She nods again, and the team leaves. Octavia turns her head into her brother’s shoulder and her body shakes with sobs.

“I know.” He says, pulling her in. “I know, it’s okay.” 

  
  


**____________________________________________________________________________**

 

She’s hoping she’ll get released the next day, but it’s not till Friday evening that she “graduates” to just positive pressure oxygen. The following Monday, she finally leaves. And even then, they only let her out because she promises to rest over the weekend. 

 

The tutor from school comes over and guides her through what she missed and on Wednesday, Octavia is back in school.

“Hey,” Lincoln says, getting up and hugging her before AP Euro. “How are you?”

“Eh, okay.”

“Tired?”

She nods emphatically.

“You sure you’re okay to be here?”

She nods again, a tiny bit too tired to be mad that he’s treating her like she’s fragile.

“O, you’re back!” Raven says from behind them. She hugs the girl.

“How are you?” Octavia asks.

“I should be asking you.”

“I’m really tired, but fine. How are you?”

“I’m okay.”

“How’s stuff at home?”

“The usual.”

“Do you want to spend the night at my place?”

“I’m fine, O. Chill.”

______________________________________________________________

 

On Tuesday, after school, Lincoln comes over and brings 7 Wonders, a board game he got for Christmas. Bellamy plays the game with them, and is surprisingly civil with Lincoln. The three of them order pizza, and sit around and talk.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

She’s gradually gaining energy back again, and she and Lincoln go to a horror movie on Friday night. He holds her hand and they kiss, slow and sweet, in the movie theater as the credits roll. Her oxygen cannula slips and gets caught between their mouths and she laughs, hooking it back behind her ear.

_____________________________

 

Octavia gets a text at midnight.

**Raven: Can I come over?**

**O: Of course.**

**Raven: Be there soon.**

She’s nearly asleep but knows Raven wouldn’t text this late unless something serious was going on. She goes into the living room, where Bellamy is skyping Echo.

“Bell, Raven is coming over.”

“Is she okay?”

“I don’t know.

“Is she taking the night bus? Does she want me to pick her up?”

“I don’t know Bell. She just asked if she could come over and I said yes. But it’s probably not just a random sleepover.”

“Do you think she’s hurt?”

“Yeah, I think so. I guess we’ll find out when she gets here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next one's a lot. Please leave some love in the comments. It's super encouraging!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a hard one.  
> Trigger warning for discussion of rape.

Twenty minutes later, Raven texts her that she’s there and Octavia goes to the door and opens it. Raven is standing there, hair tousled and coming out of her ponytail. She has a bruise forming under her eye and cut lip. She looks bad. Probably the worst Octavia’s seen her. It’s not so much her body, which is stiff and slightly hunched, it’s her eyes. There’s no fire in them; they’re dull and defeated.

“Hey, come in,” Octavia says quickly.

Raven winces almost imperceptibly as she steps inside, but Octavia sees it. She also can’t hide that she’s shaking all over as she follows Octavia to her room.

“What happened?” The sick girl asks after she shuts the door.

Her lips tremble.

“Are you hurt? I mean, more than just your face?”

Raven gives a tiny, shaky nod.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?”

She shrugs.

“Can I check if anything’s broken?”

A pause, then a nod.

Raven shrugs off her red and black jacket, trying and failing to keep a straight face at the pain it brings her. She pulls off her grey, long-sleeve shirt, and Octavia sees the red beginnings of bruising on her wrists and shoulders, and more bruises on her chest.

“Can you move your wrists and arms okay?”

Raven nods.

“I’m going to lift your tank top up if that’s okay. I wanna check your ribs,” she says gently. When she does, there are dark red marks on the girl’s ribs and stomach, beginning to turn black and purple at the edges. Octavia tries not to react; just carefully runs her hands over the girl’s ribs, checking for broken ones. Raven shies away from her and Octavia isn’t sure if she’s in pain or just doesn’t want to be touched. Everything feels fine to Octavia, but she’s not a doctor; there could still be something wrong.

“Um, does anything else hurt?”

Raven lets out a shaky sigh, not answering.

“Do you want to sit down?”

“No.” Octavia realizes it’s the first time she’s heard her voice tonight, and it sounds hoarse and trembly.

“I’m gonna go get you some Advil, okay?”

She nods and Octavia goes, stopping in the living room.

“Bell, I don’t know what to do.”

“Is she okay?”

“No. She’s barely talking. Her bruises are already awful. I’m scared of what they’ll look like tomorrow.”

“Do we need to bring her in?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can I do anything?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.”

“Okay, just let me know.”

She nods and goes to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and the bottle of Advil. When she gets back to the room, Raven is leaning against the bed, hyperventilating.

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay.” Octavia puts down the glass and pills and grabs one of the girl’s hands, guiding her to sit down on the bed.  

“Just try to breathe, okay?” She wonders if she should give Raven her oxygen mask. The girl is panicking and Octavia reaches to hold her, avoiding touching her ribs and being careful not to hug her too tightly. 

“Rae, I need you to breathe. Follow my breaths.”

The quick breaths give way to sobs before long. 

“You’re going to be okay. I’m here.” Octavia feels like she let this happen. She’s the one who didn’t call the cops or make Raven tell someone. It’s her fault that this happened. She stares down at Raven’s bruised back and cries along with her. Raven pulls away, still sniffling, and tries to compose herself.

Octavia hands her the Advil and water.

Raven takes them, downing the pill and water with a wince. She mumbles something unintelligible.

“What?”

“I can’t go back.” She murmurs, only slightly louder.

“To your house?”

“Yeah.”

“Rae, can you tell me what happened?”

“My mom’s boyfriend came back. He and one of his dick friends.”

“What did they do?” She hates asking it, and she’s pretty sure she already knows the answer, but she knows she needs to ask.

“I walked in when they were high off their asses. He told me to do a line with them. I said I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a fork and they decided I needed to loosen up. They,” she falters. “They held me down and hit me and--” She can’t say it out loud. That’d make it too real. She angrily swipes at her teary eyes.

“Oh god. I’m so sorry.” Octavia says.

“That’s not going to change anything,” she says hollowly.

“Um, did you take a shower or change afterward?”

She shakes her head. “When they were done they locked me out of the apartment. Luckily, I had my phone in my pocket.”

“Raven, we need to take you in for a rape kit.”

“I can’t.”

“You need to. You need to get out of your house, and this will help. If you can get your mom on charges of neglect or endangerment, you have a chance of getting out, at least for a while. You need to do this for your safety. You know Bell and I will be there every step of the way.”

“Okay,” she whispers shakily.

“I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t be this way.” She gets up. “I’m gonna tell Bell that we need to go in.”

______________________________________________________________________________

They bring Raven to the ER and have to wait for almost two hours before being brought back to start the process of a rape kit. Two minutes into the nurse asking her questions, Raven is already completely out of it. She won’t even look Octavia in the eye, but clings onto her hand like a lifeline.

Octavia stays in the room with her while she’s examined. The nurse administering the kit tells them she needs to take Raven’s clothes as part of the rape kit, and then takes pictures of her cuts and bruises to add to the case. It’s invasive and humiliating. Raven is shaking from the cold and the trauma, hunching in to hide her bruised body from the world.

“Raven,” the nurse says hesitantly, “I’m going to need to swab any area their bodily fluids might have… come into contact.”

Raven's lip trembles as she slips on a papery gown. Octavia grabs her hand again.

When the nurse starts swabbing her for evidence, Raven almost throws up. Since she’s a minor, the hospital has the legal responsibility of reporting the rape to the authorities, so there’s no talk of whether or not she wants to use the evidence being collected. It’s an incredibly long process that leaves Raven emotionally numb and even more traumatized.

"Okay Raven, all that's left is a urine sample, and then we'll be done with the rape kit." 

She goes to the ER bathroom to pee into the cup, but almost drops it when she catches her reflection in the mirror. She's haggard and pale, left eye swollen. She feels disgusting. Could she have done anything to prevent it from happening? Maybe she shouldn't have gone home. Maybe if she had just waited till later, when they would have been passed out from the drugs and drinking. She knows better. It would have happened again eventually. Sure, she maybe could have delayed it, but it would have happened regardless of what she could have done to try to prevent it. This is life at her mom’s house.

Octavia thought to bring some extra clothes along, and once Raven has an x-ray of her ribs, she’s allowed to change out of the papery gown and into the sweatpants, underwear, and t-shirt. It’s slow going and Raven is hurting. The Advil she took earlier has worn off, and she’s breathing heavily, trying not to show just how much her body hurts.

“Hey, did they give you anything for the pain yet?”

She shakes her head.

“That is unacceptable,” Octavia says indignantly. She storms out of the room while Raven is still only half clothed and a few minutes later, she comes back in with a nurse, who’s got a cup of pills for her.

“What is it?”

“Ibuprofen.”

She nods and takes the cup, swallowing the pills with the cup of water by the bed. She made a decision several years ago that she would never try prescription pain pills. That’s how her mom had started.

She’s given a long icepack to wrap around her ribs and a small one for her still-swelling eye. For a while, she’s left in peace to nap. Bellamy joins them in the room and he and Octavia watch Raven dozing.

“How’s she doing?” He whispers after a few minutes.

“ _ She _ is still awake,” Raven mumbles.

“How are you?” He asks her.

“How do you think I’m doing?” she asks wearily. “I don’t want to be here.”

“I know.”

Octavia gets up and climbs onto the bed next to Raven. Her oxygen tank is out, and that’s not helping the fact that it’s 2 am and she’s exhausted. She keeps breaking into long bouts of coughing. They all nap for about 20 minutes, and then a police officer and a social worker come to talk with Raven. Octavia and Bellamy have to keep reminding Raven to be specific. She feels completely vulnerable and with each question, she wishes more that she had just kept quiet. Somehow they convince the social worker and police officer to let Raven come home with them, and then around 6 am, they’re finally going home. When they get into the apartment, Raven heads for the bathroom to take a shower, Octavia goes to her room for a neb treatment, and Bellamy crashes on his bed as soon as he gets into his room. They spend most of Saturday sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof.


	10. Chapter 10

Octavia wakes up around 1 on Saturday afternoon. She turns over, pulling her oxygen mask, and sees Raven still sleeping on the ground. Her black eye is even more swollen. Octavia tries to keep quiet, but she suddenly erupts a coughing fit typical of when she wakes up in the morning. Raven shifts and Octavia feels guilty for waking her up. She continues in her coughing for a half hour. This is what mornings are for her, lungs trying to clear a path through the thick gunk that collects while she sleeps. Bellamy knocks on her door after a while.

“Come in,” she yells.

He opens the door and looks down at Raven, who’s awake but not looking at him or Octavia.

“I’m making waffles,” he says. Octavia gives him a thumbs-up as she coughs more. After a few minutes, she clears her throat.

“Rae, let’s get some food.”

Raven pulls off the covers and gets up slowly, following Octavia to the kitchen. She had hoped she could maybe forget everything that happened, but her body keeps reminding her with every step. She stares at the table.

“Rae, sit, eat,” Bellamy says, taking a bite of waffle.

“No.”

“You have meds to take. You don’t wanna take them on an empty stomach.”

She sighs and picks up a waffle, taking a bite. She swallows the Advil Bellamy put on her plate but stares at the other two pills.

“What are these?”

“The antibiotic the doctor prescribed. It’ll prevent STDs. And the morning-after pill. Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have assumed you’d want it.”

She looks down and nods, swallowing those pills too.

“Do you wanna sit?”

“No.”

  
  


 When they’re done eating, Bellamy starts cleaning up. 

“Rae, wanna watch a movie?”

She shrugs.

“I was thinking maybe The Force Awakens?”

She nods and Octavia is worried that she’s barely talking. Raven curls herself into a ball, looking extremely uncomfortable.

“Rae, you okay?”

“Yeah,” she says shortly.

“Do you need anything?”

“Ice pack?”

Octavia nods and gets up, coughing. She goes to the kitchen to grab it, and on the way back, she sees her phone light up on the table. She goes over to check it and sees a missed text from Lincoln.

 

**L: Hey O, can I come by today?**

**O: Sorry  I didn’t get back to you till now. We were with Raven in the ER all night.**

**L: Is she okay?**

**O: Not really. She’s pretty beat up, and I can barely get her to talk today.**

**L: What happened?**

**O: She got hurt at home. I don’t want her going back there, but I don’t know what to do.**

**L: Could you get your mom involved?**

**O: Maybe. I don’t want Raven to have to go through any more trauma.**

**L: I’m guessing tonight’s not a good night for me to come over?**

**O: No, sorry. Raven’s pretty fragile. I think I just need to focus on her tonight.**

**L: I totally understand. Let me know if I can help.**

 

Octavia brings Raven the ice pack, then sits back down to watch the movie. About ¾ of the way through, Raven suddenly sits up, then bolts to the bathroom. She’s gone for longer than she should be, and Octavia is just about to go check on her, when she comes back, looking a little worse for the wear.

“You okay?”

“Yep.”

“Rae, are you going to be able to go to school on Monday?”

“‘Course.”

“Were you throwing up?”

“No.”

“Rae, can you talk to me, please? More than just monosyllables?”

“I-- I need time. Last night was… I’ve never wanted to do drugs before, seeing how they affected my mom. But right now, I want to black out.”

“That makes sense.”

“Oh good, I’m so glad my response to being….” Her snarky response trails off.

Octavia is quiet, and Raven curls further into herself.

“Look, you don’t have to be okay. I just need to know if you need to go back to the ER.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“Okay.”

 

There’s a noise from the entryway, and Mrs. Blake walks through the door.

“Hi,” she calls, dropping her briefcase and hanging up her coat.

“Hey,” Octavia says. Mucus catches in her throat, and she coughs and hacks. Bellamy yells hi from his room. Then, as Mrs. Blake walks into the kitchen, she sees Raven on the couch.

“Oh my god. Raven, what happened to your eye?”

Raven looks at Octavia, panicking. She doesn’t want to explain the whole thing to Octavia’s mom.

“She… got in a fight at school.”

“Who hit you?”

“Uh, a girl whose locker is by mine. She was blocking my locker and I told her, maybe a little rudely, that she needed to move. She didn’t take kindly to that.”

“Are you pressing charges?”

“Nah. The girl got suspended. That’s good enough.”

Mrs. Blake nods. “You should put some ice on that eye. It’ll help the swelling.”

Raven nods. Luckily, the blanket over her body is hiding the bruises visible on her wrists that would disprove her story.

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

On Monday, Raven goes school and apparently, nothing has changed. But then in the afternoon, she gets called to the office. She returns looking pensive.

“What happened?” Octavia whispers to her.

“My mom’s being investigated by child protective services. I’m can’t go home except to get some of my stuff.”

“Can you still stay with us?”

She shakes her head “I have to stay with a foster family probably just overnight, and then the social worker is going to find somewhere more permanent.”

 

When class is over, Raven gets up and hugs Octavia tightly.

“I’m scared,” she whispers.

“It’s going to be okay. This is good. I mean honestly, it’d be hard for it to be worse than your house. So it’ll probably be better. Maybe a lot better.” Octavia rubs her back soothingly. “Text me tonight, okay?”

Raven nods and goes out to her locker, grabbing her backpack and meeting a lady in a business suit at the end of the hall.

___________________________________________________________________________-

 

That night, Octavia gets a text.

 

**Raven: Well, still alive.**

**O: Yeah? How is it?**

**Raven: I had family dinner with them and their kids. It was weird.**

**O: I’ve heard that’s pretty normal in families that aren’t ours.**

**Raven: I have my own room, so that’s a plus.**

**O: Sounds like it’s pretty good.**

**Raven: I think they might be robots. I don’t think it’s possible to reach the level of perfect this family has achieved. Their mother reads to the family at night. They just sit there while she reads aloud. What is that about?**

**O: Wow. That is kind of next level.**

 

Raven is at school the next day. She looks okay as far as Octavia can tell.

“You’re here!” Octavia hugs her.

“Yup, still alive.”

“So the robot family didn’t try to assimilate you or anything?”

“Nope.”

“Have you heard anything about your mom?”

“No.“

“What about…”

“They arrested him. They can’t find his friend, but if I testify in his trial, he’ll probably get a harsher sentence.”

“Are you okay with doing that?”

“I… I don’t know.”

 

Raven ends up in a foster home even closer to Octavia’s apartment. She can still go to the same school, which is basically the only thing that matters to her. Her foster parents are nice enough and don’t have any children. It’s nice to be away from her mom and her mom’s boyfriend, but the foster home doesn’t really feel like  _ home.  _

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

It’s Valentine’s Day, and Lincoln takes Octavia out on a date. They go skating and get hot chocolate at a cafe. She’s thankful he’s considerate enough not to bring her to dinner. Her appetite can be there one minute, gone the next, and she hates going out to eat because most of the time she’s not able to eat much and feels like she’s wasting money and not letting others enjoy their meal. 

 

He gives her a book on the international phonetic alphabet, along with a box of chocolates with sea salt. It’s a little inside joke, because her cystic fibrosis makes her need a lot of salt in her diet, and she’s constantly adding salt to the food she eats. She gives him a playlist of songs that make her think of him, a Marvel t-shirt, and a bag of gourmet caramel corn from the best candy store in Manhattan.

 

She can’t breathe on the bus, and clutches his hand tightly while she coughs until she can’t see straight. It spoils the mood a bit, but when they get to her apartment, they still kiss, her with her back against the wall, him with his hands on her face before they say goodnight.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's mostly happy. Much needed after the darkness of the past few chapters.

Prom is coming up, and Lincoln asks Octavia with a big bouquet of wildflowers. She says yes, of course. She’s been keeping up with her school, and is happy that the weather is warming up a bit. It gives her lungs an easier time. Raven, meanwhile, is still in foster care. The trial for her mother’s boyfriend is looming in the distance, but she tries not to think about it much. In March, she tells Octavia that she’s going to prom with a girl named Gina, who she’s been spending a lot of time with lately.

 

Raven and Octavia go out on the town to find prom dresses and spend several hours shopping and goofing around. Octavia finds a stunning black dress with one jewel-encrusted strap. It doesn’t cover the port in her chest, and she’s a little self-conscious about it, but Raven says she looks amazing. Raven gets a sleek white dress with a halter neck and low back.

 

They end up not being able to find a bus back where they are and have to walk a long way. Octavia is coughing nonstop after a block, and then she’s sitting on the ground, trying to catch her breath, her oxygen cranked all the way up. Raven squats beside her, rubbing her shoulder. It takes 10 minutes for her to be able to get up, and even then, she’s unsteady as they walk another block, Raven keeping her arm around her waist, and she coughs all the way home on the bus. When she gets home, she throws her oxygen backpack on the floor, lays down on the couch and bursts into tears.

“Hey, O, what’s wrong?”

“I can’t handle this. I can’t try to be normal. I mean, I’m probably going to die in the next 10 years. Why am I wasting my time on school, or prom, or anything?” She coughs and her lungs crackle like a bowl of Rice Krispies. Raven can hear the girl’s lungs fight to inflate.

“O, ten years is a long time. You can do so much in that time. I get that your life is really hard, and if you need to spend a few days wallowing and skipping school and gorging yourself on ice cream or whatever, you can totally do that. But don’t give up, okay?”

Octavia nods, but doesn’t stop crying for a good 20 minutes. Raven rubs her back and plays with her hair and lets her cry. She knows the girl has been bottling her emotions for a while and needs a release.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

She goes to the cystic fibrosis clinic on Monday for her quarterly visit. They do pulmonary function tests (PFTs) and she talks with the doctor about her recent trips to the hospital. It turns out, her lung function is the lowest it’s ever been. Her doctor wants to up the amount of vest time to help her with airway clearance. This means her vest treatments will take two hours a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. Her weight is also very low, and her doctor gives her a month to get her weight up or she’ll need to go on a feeding tube. Additionally, they reinforce the idea of her using her oxygen tank all of the time, which she had hoped she wouldn’t need forever.

 

It’s a discouraging visit and she leaves feeling depressed and overwhelmed. Her mom tries to comfort her on the way home, but that’s never been her strong suit. When they get home, before they can tell Bellamy how the appointment went, he bounds toward them and tells them excitedly that he got his acceptance letter from NYU; He’ll be going to college in the Fall.

 

Octavia tries to be happy for him. She’s proud of him and wants him to be successful, but he’s her best friend and the idea of him leaving on top of the already discouraging news is the last straw. She ducks into her room before bursting into tears.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

It’s Spring Break, and Octavia goes to Florida with her mom and Bellamy. The warm air feels good in her lungs and she spends all her time sitting on the beach. She misses Lincoln and feels bad that he’s still stuck in damp, chilly New York while she’s lounging by the ocean. That changes on Wednesday. 

 

She’s laying on a towel on the beach napping when a very familiar voice asks,

“Hey, you wanna go swimming?”

She opens her eyes to find Lincoln beside her, then squeals, launching herself into his arms.

“How did you get here?”

“I schemed with your mom and found a cheap flight.”

She kisses him on the lips.

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

 

They mostly just relax, but Thursday they go out on the water in jet skis and she thinks it might be the most fun she’s ever had. 

 

They try going swimming on Friday, but Octavia is weak as fuck and can’t keep herself afloat after ten minutes in the water. Lincoln has to haul her ass back to shore, and then Bellamy’s worried because her lips and toes are a little bit blue and she’s wheezing like crazy and the day is pretty much over for them all.

 

They’re all terrified she’s going to catch something at the airport, but that doesn’t stop them from having a little fun. She has to ride in a wheelchair, because there’s no way she has enough stamina to walk that far. Lincoln wheels her around, and when Bell and her mom aren’t looking, he sails down a long empty hallway, pushing her as fast as he can, whooping while she laughs and screams. She actually hates flying, and when they take off, she’s holding his hand so tight it hurts. He keeps her mind off it with stories and questions and Parks and Rec episodes downloaded on his phone. When they finally get home, she’s exhausted, but it’s been the best Spring Break she’s ever had.

___________________________________________________________________________

  
  


She returns to school and suddenly knows  _ for sure  _ that Raven and Gina are not just going to prom as friends. They’re hanging out constantly and whispering in each other’s ears and touching all the time. Raven hasn’t said anything, so Octavia finally brings it up.

“So, you and Gina…”

“Yeah?”

“Are you guys official?”

“I mean… we’re going to prom together. So I guess. I mean, I was waiting to tell you in person, but we basically spent all of Spring Break together, and on Friday she asked if I wanted to be her girlfriend.” Raven can’t stop smiling.

“I’m so glad you found each other.”

“Me too.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom!

Prom is upon them. Octavia and Raven go to a beauty school and get their hair done. The CF patient gets a pretty half-up do with braids wrapping intricately around each other. Raven gets a curly low ponytail. They do their own makeup once they get back to the Blake’s apartment and then they’re in their dresses and ready to go. Lincoln gets there before Gina, and when he sees Octavia, he grins his cute little-boy grin.

“You look amazing.”

“Thank you. You do too.” He’s got on a suit and Octavia is feeling a little crazy because of how good he looks. 

 

Gina gets there ten minutes later, and she looks stunning in a slim tux with a skinny black tie. She had thought about wearing a dress, but couldn’t find any she liked, so she decided on the tux. Her curly hair is in a bouffant with a ponytail that cascades down to her shoulders and her eyeliner is flawless.

 

Octavia takes off her oxygen cannula for the pictures, but her port is still painfully obvious. At first, she tries to cover it up with a strategically placed hand, but Lincoln notices and kisses her cheek, pulling her hand away.

“Octavia you look amazing, port or no port.”

She smiles and kisses him back.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

At the prom, they dance a little bit and kiss a lot. Someone’s got so much perfume on it’s making Octavia not be able to breathe. Lincoln takes her outside and they sit on the steps. She’s coughing and coughing and he helps her lay down with her head on his lap. His fingers trail up and down her back and shoulder. He tells her about how he’s pretty sure Lexa is going to propose to Clarke soon. It keeps her mind from focusing so hard on the fact that she can’t breathe.

“Hon, do you want to go home?”

He’s never used pet names with her before but she’s a tiny bit too miserable to notice.

“Um… I don’t know.” Her throat catches on a particularly hard cough and a second later she’s throwing up. He pulls back her hair and rubs little circles over her back as she retches and coughs. She finally stops and slumps against him.

“Alright, let’s get you home.”

“Can’t.” She mumbles near his chest.

“What?”

“I need a minute.”

“Okay.”

“Linc?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re… spectacular. You know that?”

He kisses her hair.

“You are too, O.”

“No, but putting up with all this… Taking care of me…. You shouldn’t have to do that. You’re so young.”

“We’re the same age, Octavia.”

“No, I mean you’re so healthy. It should be at least 50 years till you start needing to take care of someone sick… someone dying.”

“Someone’s a negative Nancy tonight.”

“I’m serious, Lincoln.”

“So am I. If all you think about is dying, what kind of life is that?”

“Lincoln, that is my life. I spend like 3 hours a day focused purely on treatments that postpone my dying. I cough up my bodyweight in mucus like every week. My health has been getting worse my whole life. And eventually, a lot sooner than you, I am going to die.” She stops for a long agonizing coughing bout.

“Come on, let’s just get you home.”

She gets up and slings her oxygen bag over her shoulder but then she’s going pale and swaying, and he steadies her shoulders for a minute. 

“You good?”

“Kind of lightheaded.”

He nods, then picks her up, bridal style.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

“Carrying you.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I kinda do.”

He carries her down the stairs and then down the block to the main road, where he gets an uber for them. When they get to her apartment building, she’s still feeling lightheaded and he carries her inside, on the elevator, down the hall, and into her apartment, where he sets her down on the couch. He grabs her nebulizer medicine while she straps on her vest. She looks exhausted, but like she wants to say something. He sits down and waits for her to finish her neb. 

“Lincoln, I think we should take a break.”

“What?” He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but that isn’t it.

“I don’t want you to have to spend all your time taking care of me. I want you to have a life.”

“I do have a life. And I like taking care of you.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing. I’m the only girlfriend you’ve ever had. You should be able to have fun and go out a lot and not worry about whether I’m going to pass out or cough up blood. I have to get a transplant. And that is one of the most stressful things I think a relationship can experience. I want to let you experience life as a teenager. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Octavia I like spending time with you. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had, whether we’re just hanging out on the couch or out doing something. The thing is, it’s not about what we do, it’s about who I’m doing it with. I didn’t want to say it like this, but I love you, Octavia. I love everything about you. Your humor, your personality, the way you stare at my lips before you kiss me. I just… I love you.”

She’s crying.

“You can’t.”

“Well, I do. And if you want to break up with me because you don’t like me or you need space or you like someone else, that’s one thing. But don’t break up with me to “save me” or whatever.  I’m not missing out on anything. Being with you is enough for me. Okay?”

She nods, still crying a little too hard to say much, and he kisses her on the cheek.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

She has two weeks before she sees her nutritionist again, and she’s trying her hardest to get her weight up. The numbers have been creeping down for a while, but now she’s at a critical point. Raven comes over and they go grocery shopping for literally anything that looks good to Octavia. They end up with goat cheese, ingredients for chili, mac and cheese, whole milk, hot dogs, bacon, and baked beans.

 

When they actually get home, she’s not hungry. Actually, for the next 3 days, she’s not hungry. She tries to eat, she really does. Lincoln makes her peanut butter brownies and she tries to increase her appetite by watching baking shows and looking at food on Pinterest. Bellamy won’t let her drink anything that doesn’t have calories in it, but she’s getting sick of milk and pop, so she makes herself tea with cream and sugar in it. He takes to giving her two cookies every time she makes herself a mug of tea; if she dunks them in the tea, they go down pretty easily. 

  
  


In the end, she doesn’t gain enough weight and a week after her doctor’s appointment, she has the procedure to insert a j-tube into her stomach, through which she’ll get nutrition. After the surgery, she’s still super out of it and keeps talking about how now she can look inside her stomach, which isn’t actually true. She cries every time her lungs force her to cough since they sliced right through her ab muscles to place the tube.

 

Lincoln keeps her company in the hospital while she dozes.

“So um, I’m going to college next year,” Bellamy whispers, trying not to wake his sister.

“Yeah, Octavia told me. Congratulations.”

“Thanks. So, it seems like you and Octavia are pretty serious.”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“I want you to watch out for her, Lincoln, when I’m not here.

“Woah, it’s not like you’re dying.”

“I know. But I won’t be around as much, and our mom, she misses things. She hasn’t noticed that O has been getting more withdrawn and depressed lately, but I think we both have.”

Lincoln nods.

Octavia coughs a bit in her sleep and opens her eyes, moaning.

“You’re okay,” Bellamy says.

“Do you need anything?” Lincoln asks.

She shifts and winces, then shakes her head.

Lincoln scoots over to her combs through her messy hair with his fingers, massaging her scalp. She closes her eyes, smiling sleepily. He braids her hair neatly and then reaches to hold her hand. After a half an hour, they’re both asleep, her in her hospital bed, him in the chair next to her. They’re still holding hands and Bellamy takes a picture of them, because they are cavity-provokingly sweet.


	13. Chapter 13

Octavia comes home from the hospital a few days after her J-tube surgery. She’s still sore and adjusting to having more nutrition than she has for a while, but she’s doing better. Raven comes over a few nights later for a sleepover. They watch  _ She’s the Man  _ and eat popcorn, and then she looks like she wants to say something.

“Rae, what’s up?”

“Um, the other day me and Gina were kinda making out.”

“Okay… Nothing new about that.”

“No, but things started… progressing.”

“Um… am I old enough to hear about this?”

“No, yeah, I just… I kinda freaked out.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean one second she was feeling me up and the next second I clocked her in the face.”

“Yikes.”

“I know! I feel horrible.”

“Why do you think that happened?”

“Shit, O, I don’t know. Stop trying to psychoanalyze me.”

“Sorry. Have you guys talked?”

“Yeah. We talked after it happened. We agreed we’d take things a little slower it’s just… ugh, I feel so weird about it.”

“Well, at least you guys talked.”

“Yeah, I guess. How are you and Lincoln doing?”

“Good. He’s so wonderful.”

Raven smiles. “You guys are kinda gross. You know that right?”

“Yeah…” she says dreamily.

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Lincoln has taken it upon himself to learn how to do everything it takes to take care of Octavia. They get back from school one Friday afternoon in May and Lincoln grabs a carton of formula from the counter.

“You ready for your formula?”

“Linc, we just got home. Give me a second.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, Love. I appreciate it.” She sneaks over to him and goes onto her tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek, then grabs a spare oxygen tank, hooking up to it and going to the living room to sit down. He washes his hands and brings over one of her clean feeding pump bags. The liquid he pours in is specially formulated so her body can absorb it despite it bypassing her stomach. Lifting her shirt, Octavia unclamps her j-tube and hands the attachment to Lincoln, who primes the pump that allows the feed to go slowly into her body, then attaches the feed to Octavia’s j-tube.

“So, did Make-A-Wish ever give you a wish when you were little?”

“I actually still need to use mine. I had already been to Disney World when they contacted me, so I didn’t have a pressing need to go there again. I don’t know, I guess I feel like if I use it then…” She trails off.

“Then what?”

“Then I’m done. Then I don’t have anything to look forward to. And I might as well just...”

“No. You have a lot to look forward to, Octavia.”

“I know. That’s just the way I’ve thought for so long.” 

“Have you thought about what you would want to do?”

“I guess I’ve always wanted to be able to see some mountains. Hiking isn’t really a thing for me, but I’d like to go somewhere where I can see for miles and there are mountains and trees and lots of sky.”

“So basically the opposite of Manhattan?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. So, what do you want to do tonight?”

“I dunno. I’m not really up for going out.”

“Yeah? Do you think you have a fever?” He feels her forehead.

“No, I’m just tired. Walking sounds… exhausting.”

“Alright, we’ll stay in. You wanna invite Raven and Gina over? Maybe play some board games?”

“That sounds good.”

 

Raven and Gina come over and they play Cards Against Humanity and eat popcorn.

“Raven, how’s the foster home lately?” Octavia asks as they wait for a second bag of popcorn to pop in the microwave. 

“Uh, fine.”

Gina raises an eyebrow at the girl.

“What was that look about?” Octavia asks.

“Oh, they’ve just been getting a little… yell-y lately.”

“Your foster parents have been yelling at you?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s fine.”

“Have you talked to your social worker about it?”

“No. I don’t want to be difficult.”

“You’ve gotta watch out for yourself, Rae.”

“I know, I just don’t want to ruin a good thing.”

“Sounds like it’s not such a good thing right now.”

Raven rolls her eyes.

“I’ll  _ think  _ about talking with my social worker. Will that make you happy?”

“For now.”

Gina smiles and kissed Raven’s temple.

“So, anyone up for another round?” Lincoln asks.

They play a few more rounds of the game and then Gina, Raven, and Lincoln go home for the night. 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia’s transplant evaluation week is upon her. She had tried to convince them to wait till after school was over, but her CF team wanted her to do it as soon as possible. She gets a thick folder in the mail with the dates, times, and locations of all the appointments, as well as what to expect and how to prepare for certain appointments. 

“So when are you supposed to eat, during all this?” Lincoln asks, looking at the schedule.

“I don’t know.”

“I was thinking at least you’ll be out of school, but I think this might actually be worse.”

“No joke.”

 

The entire week is utterly exhausting. Bellamy, Mrs. Blake, and Octavia rush from appointment to appointment, with barely the chance to use the bathroom. She had thought she was prepared for the meetings. But the doctors keep delivering low blows, telling her exactly how much PT she’ll need daily after her transplant. Or telling her that they’re concerned that without careful monitoring, her liver levels may make it hard for her to get a transplant. It’s a whirl of information and each night she goes home with too many questions and not enough answers.

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Summer is  _ finally  _ here. It’s July and Bellamy is college shopping. Octavia goes to Ikea with him and it’s a bad idea. They start out in the cafe and get Swedish meatballs, and then they go shopping. It’s fun to see the showrooms and all the adorable children’s things, but by the time they get to the bottom floor, she’s coughing and exhausted, and the unwieldy cart isn’t stabilizing her enough. She ends up sitting in an armchair in the seating section while Bell picks up all the other things he needs. People stare at her and her oxygen cannula as they walk past, and at first, she feels self-conscious, but then she starts staring back with her self-proclaimed “withering stare.” Bellamy comes to get her after a half an hour, and if the cart weren’t full of his stuff, she would have considered sitting in it. 

“How’re you doing?” Bellamy asks as he helps her stand up.

“I hate people.”

He pulls her in from the side and hugs her.

“Me too.”

She drags herself through the maze, occasionally stopping to brace herself on his shoulder while she coughs. They get to the warehouse and Bellamy gets a couple of boxes. Then, they’re in the checkout line. It takes a good 20 minutes for him to get checked out. Meanwhile, Octavia gets them each a cinnamon bun, pear sparkling cider, and some Diam bars from the little food area past the checkout. They walk out to the car, and he starts loading stuff into the trunk while she drags herself into the passenger seat and falls asleep. Halfway through the ride home, she wakes up and pulls out their cinnamon buns and pear ciders. They toast to Ikea and dig into the sugary, sticky mess.  She tells him about her and Lincoln's talk regarding Make-A-Wish. He doesn't say much, just chews his cinnamon bun thoughtfully and listens.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one takes a turn.

It’s the beginning of August and it’s Octavia’s birthday. They pack up the gang and go to the beach. Octavia’s been getting more and more tired while walking around, so Lincoln carries her down to a quiet spot on the beach so she doesn’t tire herself out before the day even starts. 

 

Lincoln and Octavia wade in the water. People stare at the skinny girl with her j-tube button and port-a-cath bump revealed by her bikini, but he makes her feel normal, splashing her and dancing with her in the water, looking at her like she’s a princess. She has to take frequent breaks with her oxygen mask strapped over her face, but the beach is wonderful.

 

Raven and Gina look for sand dollars. On the beach, Echo and Bellamy sit and made a sand castle; Octavia and Lincoln join them when the CF patient gets tired. As Bellamy starts to get noticeably red, O tosses the sunscreen bottle at him. They have different dads, and apparently, Bellamy’s had some Irish in him because the kid burns like a lobster.

 

They have sandwiches and chips on the beach and then they grab some ice cream from a stand nearby.

 

As the night cools off a bit, they drive home with the windows open and Queen blasting through the speakers. It’s one of the best birthdays Octavia has ever had.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia and their mother help Bellamy move into his college apartment two weeks later. Octavia tries not to get emotional. She knows her brother feels bad about leaving her and doesn’t want to make him feel worse.

“Hey, take care of yourself, okay, O?” He says when they’re saying goodbye. “I don’t want to hear about you passing out or going to the hospital without me.”

She nods, hugging him tightly and burying her face in his shoulder.

“You’re gonna be fine,” He says.

“I know.” She mumbles.

 The girl puts a framed picture of herself and her brother on his desk before she leaves.

 

When they get home, the house is horribly quiet without Bellamy there.

“Honey, do you want to do your PT now?”

“Sure.” She takes her inhalers, then lays down on the couch and her mother starts clapping her cupped hands against Octavia’s back. The idea of being alone most of the time, with her mother at work and Bellamy at school, finally hits her. She realizes that things are going to be very different this fall.

___________________________________________________________________________

 

School starts before anyone is ready. Soon, it’s shorts-clad legs sticking to plastic seats and scrambling between classes to get books and go to the next class. Octavia is late for several of her classes in the first two weeks because she can’t walk fast enough without getting exhausted. Bellamy had tried to bring up the idea of a wheelchair to her earlier in the summer and she had spat out her drink and then ended that conversation with a direct ‘no.’ It wouldn’t even be less effort unless she got someone to wheel her around, and that would be too humiliating. She isn’t bad enough to need that. Yet.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Two weeks after school begins, Octavia is sitting in the library with Raven, feeling irritable. She doesn’t understand why she has to sit and study. She’s never going to use this stuff. She wants to stop school and go road tripping or something. She’s a little shaky, which isn’t exactly weird for her, but usually only happens right after she’s done her nebulizer and inhalers. Raven looks up at her when she sees that she’s shaking badly.

“O, you alright?”

“Yeah. I just...I don’t see why I’m here. I don’t know why I’m here. Why am I here?”

“Because we need to study for AP Chem. Come on, O. Stop goofing off.”

“I just, I need to--” She stands up abruptly, getting tangled in her oxygen tubing. She rips it off and throws it on the ground rather roughly. “I just don’t see why I have to wear those stupid things,” she says in a voice too loud for a library. There are several people staring.

“O, what the fuck? Calm down.”

“I need to get out of here,” she says, not walking toward the door, but instead walking down a random aisle of books. Raven gets up and follows her, getting a little worried. She’s just a bit too far behind her to catch her when she drops like a rock and starts seizing.

“Shit! Octavia!”

Raven rips off her sweatshirt and puts it under Octavia’s head so she doesn’t hurt herself banging her head against the ground.

“Someone call 911!” She yells.


	15. Chapter 15

Octavia slowly comes to awareness and there are people in uniforms standing over her. They’re trying to talk to her and shining light in her eyes. There’s a horrible noise and the realization washes over her that it is coming from her; she’s moaning.

She’s on her side, and a kind-looking latina girl is saying something, looking worried. She should know her name, but she can’t remember it. 

“You’re okay, O. It’s alright.”

“Squeeze my hand,” one of the people in uniforms says.

She hears it, but she can’t respond. 

A few minutes later, the person asks again, and her fingers respond, grasping the guy’s hand and squeezing.

“Good job. You had a seizure, but you’re okay.”

It takes her a minute to process this. Seizure? She doesn’t have seizures.

“Octavia, can you tell us your last name?”

“Bvvll di--” That didn’t make any sense. She feels frustrated and disoriented. Her pants are warm and soggy, and she flushes, suddenly realizing why. Tears gather in her eyes.

“Hey, It’s okay,” Raven says, pulling up close to her and holding her hand. With her other hand, the latina reaches with a sleeve-covered hand to wipe drool off her chin and cheek. Octavia lets out a little sob. There are standers-by staring at her and she’s humiliated.

“You’re okay. You’re safe,” Raven says, before turning to the people standing around. “You wanna take a fucking picture?” She yells, and most of the people leave. She glares at the last two ladies until they disappear. Octavia continues to cry, which leads to a lot of coughing. Raven has to remind the EMTs that her friend has cystic fibrosis; they thought she was choking on her own saliva. 

 After another few minutes, they ask her last name again.

“Buh… Blake,” she mumbles.

“Great job. How are you feeling?”

It takes her a moment to decide how she’s feeling, but she finally replies, “Tired.” Her voice is scratchy and strained from crying.

“Does anything hurt?”

She processes this before replying, “Head.” It feels like her head is working at quarter-speed.

“Do you feel nauseated?”

She nods.

“We’re going to help you onto this stretcher, okay? Let us know if you need to throw up.”

She feels hands lift her slowly, and then they’re moving out of the library and into an ambulance. Raven comes along and sits in a little seat on one side of the vehicle. Octavia is drowsy and her teary eyes keep drooping shut.

“Is it okay for her to be sleeping?” She hears Raven ask.

“Yeah. Most people are pretty exhausted after a seizure. She’ll feel better after some sleep.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

She wakes up and sees her mom in a chair next to her.

“Wh...”

“Hi honey.”

“I uh… Where are we?”

“In the hospital. Do you remember what happened?”

She has to think for a minute but eventually recalls the events of the day.

“Crap. Yeah.” Nausea suddenly slams into her and she looks around frantically for something to throw up into. Luckily, her mom recognizes her panicked look and plucks an emesis basin off a shelf, shoving it into Octavia’s lap. 

After the worst is over, Mrs. Blake is trying somewhat awkwardly to soothe her daughter.

“They gave you glucagon. It’s something for low blood sugar. They said it might make you throw up. How are you feeling?”

“My whole body hurts. Am I…” She pats the bed for a moment, trying to figure out the word she wants.  “admitted?”

Her mother nods.

“Why?”

“Your initial blood work showed that you had really low blood sugar. Your doctor wants to do a diabetes workup, especially since it’s common with CF.”

She nods.

  
  
  


Raven texts her that evening.

**Rae: How are ya dude? You alive?**

**O: Barely.**

**Rae: Yeah?**

**O: Honestly? It’s all just a lot.**

**Rae: I know. Have they figured out what’s wrong with you?**

**O: I’m perfect, thank you very much.**

**Rae: lol. Srsly I’m sorry you have to deal with all this.**

**O: Thanks.**

  
  


She ends up being in the hospital for 3 stupid days. Lincoln comes the second afternoon, bringing board games to help the time pass. When she finally leaves, it’s with the diagnosis of hypoglycemia. It turns out her blood sugar had likely gotten so low that her body had gone into shock. She has to start doing periodic finger pricks to test her blood sugar and make sure she always has something sugary on hand to take when it gets low. 

 

___________________________________________________________

 

When she gets home, it’s Friday night, and Bellamy is there.

“Hey,” he says, wrapping her in a hug.

“What are you doing home? I thought you weren’t coming till Thanksgiving?”

“I was worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m glad. So what do you want to do this weekend?”

“Catch up on school.”

“Come on, O. How about something fun?”

“I’m supposed to rest.”

“As if you ever followed that advice. How about a walk over to the Song Garden for some fried rice and orange chicken?” He knows she has a soft spot for Chinese food.

“Fine, I guess.”

“Not the excitement I was hoping for, but I’ll take it.”

 

They walk one block and Octavia is really tired. On the second block, Bellamy links arms with her and gently pulls her forward. Sometimes she just needs some help with forward momentum. They get to Song Garden and sit down. Mr. Yeung, the proprietor, comes and gets their orders.

“How’s school going?” Octavia asks.

“Good. It’s a little intense after a year of no homework, but I’m getting used to it. How’s school going for you?”

“Oh, okay.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Seriously, O.”

“I just… I’ve been having trouble getting to my classes on time.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, I don’t get in trouble because I can’t help it, but I’m missing information.”

“Octavia, I think you should talk with your CF team about what you could do to up your level of support.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re missing out on stuff more and more. Maybe there are some supports that can be set up to help you.”

“Like what? A wheelchair?”

“Maybe. It’d probably be a lot easier on everyone, including you and your shit lungs. Even if you only used it for walking far distances, that could help. Maybe they’d have some other suggestions for you. I just feel like you don’t have the support you need right now. At least think about it, okay?”

“Fine.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

On Monday, their history class goes on a field trip to an old historic building in Manhattan. It’s a building without an elevator. Octavia looks up the long flight of steep stairs and sighs resolutely. Lincoln edges over to her and holds onto her arm as she starts the slow ascend. She’s winded by the fifth step and he begins to help propel her upward. By the 8th step, she’s coughing, hard. 

“Hey, wanna sit down for a minute?”

She shakes her head and climbs another step, hunched deeply as she continues to cough. Practically dragging her up the rest of the stairs, he lets her brace on his shoulder as she coughs and coughs. He knows it’s about time for her to go into the hospital again for a “tune up,” but he also knows that she feels like she shouldn’t go yet, because she was just there because of her seizure. Mr. Kane glances back at them and Lincoln nods. Octavia stands up straight, still coughing a bit. Her face is red and he’s 89% sure she has a headache because of her pinched facial expression.

“You ready?”

She nods, and they catch up to the rest of the group. Another 10 minutes, and the class is climbing another flight of stairs. Lincoln pulls her up them. She has her oxygen turned all the way up, and sits down halfway up the flight of stairs, coughing. People keep staring as they walk past. She starts getting up after a few minutes, then sits back down.

“Linc, I can’t go any farther.” She says breathlessly.

“Okay. We can just rest here.”

She takes off her oxygen backpack and sets it beside her, resting her elbows on her knees and holding her head.

“Do you have a headache?”

She nods, not looking up.

A little while later, Raven comes and finds them.

“Hey, we’re going to watch a 30-minute movie, so if you can get up the stairs, you’ll be able to rest for a while.”

“Okay.” She hauls herself up, and Lincoln puts her oxygen backpack on, bringing his arm around her waist so he can help pull her up the stairs. They get to the dark room and Gina has saved them some seats. 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia gets home that afternoon and grabs her nebulizer medicine. After strapping on her P.T. vest, she gets her neb going and leans back, exhausted. A few minutes later, her mom bustles into the apartment.

“Hi honey.”

“Hey.”

“How was the field trip?”

“Um… okay.”

“Good.” Her mom starts going into her bedroom.

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to talk to my CF team about my mobility issues.”

“Okay. Is there something specific you want help with?”

“No. I just want to know what my options are and what they think could help me.”

“Well, you have your quarterly visit coming up the first week of October, so you can talk to them then.”

Octavia nods. In the meantime, she decides to research her options. Pulling open her laptop, she does some searches as the vest strapped to her shakes her rather violently. After pulling up a few pages, she texts Bellamy.

 

**O: So… I’m going to talk to my CF team about getting more support.**

**B: Really?!**

**O: Yah.**

**B: I’m proud of you, O. I think this could really help you out. I know it’s hard to accept help or change in your condition, but I think this will be really good.**

**O: We’ll see.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my own chronic illness, getting to the point where I was willing to ask for help was simultaneously extremely hard and very freeing. It can be seen as a step back or down but can actually signal the start of more independence by using your resources.


	16. Chapter 16

Octavia goes to CF clinic and her pulmonary function tests are lower, but they think the stats will pick back up after her next hospitalization. She’s hoping they’ll let her go off of her feeding tube, but they want her to continue to supplement her diet with it. When she brings up her mobility issues, they, of course, want to give her a wheelchair for longer outings. But they also bring up something she had never thought about before: a service dog. She hadn’t even realized she was a candidate for one, but apparently, she is. It could help with mobility and her hypoglycemia.  At the end of the day, they go home with a wheelchair and several packets of information about service dogs.

 

After the appointment, she calls Bellamy and tells him about what she learned.

“So do you think a service dog is something you’d want?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. It seems like it’d be a lot of work, but the benefit might outweigh that.”

“That’s true.”

“I don’t know. Mom and I are going to contact some places, see what a dog could be trained to do.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, and Gina are hanging out at the Blake residence on a Friday night. They order pizza and watch Marvel movies. It’s nice for Octavia to feel like a normal teenager. She’s been exhausted by all the sickness and doctors appointments, and frankly, she had been getting worried she was never going to have a life. Lincoln and Gina leave, but Raven stays for a sleepover. She and Octavia stay up late into the night, whispering.

“Rae, the fosters still treating you okay?”

“Um.. yeah. They’re fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. How’s the blood sugar thing going?”

“Okay. They actually told me another good thing at my appointment. I can get a Dexcom, which is this little pod thing that you stick somewhere on your body and then it monitors your blood sugar continuously so you don’t have to always stick yourself.”

“Nice. You realize you’re gradually becoming an cyborg, right?”

“Hell yes. I’m all for it.”

“Me too. You’d be totally badass with lasers shooting out of your eyes.”

“Agreed.”

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Gina approaches Octavia a few days later.

“Hey O, how are you?”

“Fine, how are you?”

“Um, okay. Listen, Raven’s not doing great in her foster home.”

“What’s wrong? Are they mistreating her?”

“I don’t think they’re hurting her. I’ve asked and checked her for marks or bruises. But I’m not sure she would say anything if they were. They don’t treat her well. They yell at her a lot, and I can tell it’s wearing on her.”

“Yeah, she probably wouldn’t say anything if it were getting bad,” Octavia admits.

“And I think she’s worried if she moves foster homes that it’s going to be somewhere far away.”

“That makes sense.”

“I asked my mom and dad if we could foster her, but apparently foster siblings can’t be in relationships.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t know if your mom would be willing…”

“I’m not sure. I can ask her. She’s not really a nurturer.”

“That’s okay. Raven knows your family; she’d be comfortable there. It’d only be for a little over a year.”

“I can talk with her about it.”

Gina nods. “Thank you.”

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

That night, Octavia brings it up to her mom.

“Mom, I have something I want to talk with you about.”

Her mom puts down her laptop. “This sounds serious.”

“It kind of is.”

“Alright, I’m listening.”

“Mom, you know Raven is in a foster home.”

She nods.

“Well, they’re not treating her right. She’s getting yelled at all the time and Gina’s worried they might start physically abusing her as well.”

“That’s horrible. Has she been documenting this stuff?”

“No. It’s kind of her word against theirs since there’s no physical evidence. And there’s no guarantee the next home wouldn’t be worse. Anyway, Gina and I were trying to think of somewhere else she could live, and we thought… well, we thought maybe she could live here.”

“Here?”

“Yeah.”

“Honey, you know I don’t have a lot of time…”

“Yeah, i know. All you’d have to do is fill out the paperwork and get a fostering license. Raven’s low maintenance, and she used to spend so much time over here anyway. She’s comfortable here, and I know you care about her well-being.”

“Have you talked with Raven about this?”

“I wanted to talk to you first. I didn’t want to get her hopes up and then have you say no.”

Her mother sighs.

“Let me think about it and I’ll give you an answer in a week.”

Octavia nods. “Thank you.”

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia’s lungs need a break. She keeps throwing up in the mornings because she’s coughing so hard and she’s had a low grade fever on and off for weeks.

“‘So when are you going back into the hospital?” Lincoln asks her one day.

“I was hoping to wait till Thanksgiving break.”

“You sure you can wait that long?”

“No, but I’m gonna try.”

They’re out in a park, sitting on a bench and people-watching. They see a lot of dogs around, and rate them on how good they’d be as a service dog.

“I’d say that golden retriever would be good,” Lincoln says, pointing at a happy-looking dog running with its owner.

“Yeah but um… it’s… the fur, you know. With its fur it’d be too much. With my lungs. The… what’s the word. You know what I’m talking about?”

“Octavia, you’re not making a lot of sense.”

“Sorry, you know, it’s the… sorry.”

“Are you okay? Is your blood sugar low?”

“Maybe.” She pulls out her blood glucose monitor, and he sees that her hand is shaking slightly. It turns out, she’s low, and they hurry over to a little cafe, where she gets a lemonade and a blueberry muffin. It takes a little while, but eventually, she starts feeling better and her blood sugar goes back up.

“You know, they can train service dogs to be able to smell if my blood sugar is low.” Octavia says as they walk to the bus stop.

“That’s awesome. Have you guys decided anything about that?”

“I’m thinking pretty seriously about it. Most of the organizations say it’d be a long wait though, so if I did decide to get a service dog, we’d probably raise it and then just send it to a trainer for a little while.”

“So you’d get to raise a puppy?”

She nods.

“That would be so fun!”

Octavia knows Lincoln has a soft spot for animals, especially dogs. Although he’s big and strong, he can also be incredibly gentle. 

“Yeah. It would be pretty fun.” 

______________________________________________________

 

A week after Octavia talked with her mother, Aurora Blake talks with her daughter as she does her nightly chest P.T.

“So honey, I’ve been thinking about your friend Raven a lot this week.”

“Yeah?” Octavia breaks into a deep, agonizing cough. Her mom gives her a tissue to spit into, since she’s hacking up mucus, and waits for her to stop coughing before continuing to pound on her back.

“Yes. And I think that you’re right. I think we should offer to foster her.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’ll pick up the paperwork tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“Why don’t you invite her over soon, and we can ask what she thinks about it.”

“Okay.”

Octavia gets up and hugs her mother tightly, then lays back down so they can finish her PT.

“Honey, your lungs sound bad.”

“I know, but I don’t want to go in yet; I don’t want to miss school.” She coughs 

“I respect that. Just don’t push it too far, okay? You don’t want to end up in the hospital for longer because you waited.”

Octavia nods. She’s trying not to push her body too hard, but she feels completely out of control when it comes to her health. Waiting to go to the hospital is something that she feels like she has control over. 

 

Octavia pulls out her phone before going to bed and texts Raven.

 

**O: Hey, wanna come bake cookies at my house tomorrow night?**

**Rae: Heck yes, I do!**

  
  



	17. Chapter 17

Raven comes over the next night, and she and Octavia make chocolate chip cookies. Mrs. Blake comes into the kitchen as they’re scraping the last bits out of the bowl to eat as the cookies bake.

“Hi Raven, how are you?”

“Pretty good, Mrs. Blake. How about you?”

“I’m good. Listen, Octavia and I have a proposition for you.”

“Okay…”

“We know you’re in foster care right now, and Octavia said that your home isn’t your favorite place right now.”

“I mean, it’s fine,” she says, getting defensive.

“Well… Octavia and I talked and we were wondering if you’d like to come live with us instead.”

“Are you serious?” She’s scared, maybe this is just a joke. 

“Yes. We’d like you to live with us if you’d like to.”

“Wow. Um, yeah. Yeah, I’d like that. If you’re really okay with it.”

“We’re more than okay with it. I’ll talk with your social worker tomorrow.”

“Thank you, this is… Thank you.” The girl says reverently. Octavia grins and hugs Raven.

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia makes it a week and 3 days after that before she starts coughing up blood. She’s got a fever of 103, and pain in her lungs. Dragging herself out of bed, she calls her CF team and tells them what’s going on, then goes to school. She’s two hours late and the whole day is spent coughing because she couldn’t do her chest PT in the morning. Lincoln sees her at lunch-time and she’s hunched over, bracing against the table as she coughs.

“Hey, you okay?”

She nods and continues coughing, droplets of blood spraying onto her hand.

“Shit, Octavia.”

She grabs a napkin, wiping off her hand.

“I’m fine.”

“Have you talked to your team?”

“Yeah, I called them this morning.”

“Do they want you to go in?”

She glares at him, little crackling noises emerging from her lungs.

“Right. Of course they do.”

“Stop trying to fix me,” she says softly.

“It’s kind of hard when I know exactly what’s going to make you feel better.”

“This is my body,  _ my  _ life.” Her voice cracks.

“I know.” He kisses her on top of her head. “You’ve gotta make your own decisions. Do you want me to walk you to your next class?”

“Is it time already?”

He nods.

“Okay.”

She wearily picks up her oxygen backpack and Lincoln wraps an arm behind her back and under an armpit, hoisting her up and gently propelling her forward as they walk toward her next class.

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Raven moves in over the weekend. It doesn’t take her long to get settled, because she doesn’t have a lot of stuff. They decide to go to a store a little out of town to get her some decor for her room, and Mrs. Blake wants Octavia to go in her wheelchair, or not at all.

“Mom, I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will. Because you won’t be over-exerting yourself if you let me push you.”

“I can walk.”

“I know you can. You know you can. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”

She doesn’t look at her mom for a minute. Because she  _ does  _ have to prove something. She has to prove to herself that she can survive and be okay and be strong. Her breath rattles in her lungs as she sighs.

“Fine.”

They get ready to go, and Octavia insists on walking out to their parking ramp; she can do that much. They get to the big store, and Mrs. Blake gets out the wheelchair. The girl feels her heart sink slightly as she sticks her oxygen tank in the pocket in the back, sits down in it, and is wheeled across the parking lot and into the store. She has to admit, she doesn’t get as tired as she would have without the wheelchair. But it’s annoying. If she wants to get up, she can, but she can’t go more than a foot or two without reaching the end of her oxygen line, so she either has to take the cannula out and barely be able to breathe, or lug the tank with her.

 

Raven gets a black and red comforter along with some matching decor, and Mrs. Blake finds new drapes for the living room. Octavia doesn’t really want anything, but then they go to the bedding section, and she finds a fantastically soft and fuzzy throw blanket, and gets it, figuring it’ll be good for the hospital.

 

When they get home, Mrs. Blake has some paperwork to do. Octavia takes a nap, and Raven invites Gina over to help her organize things in her new room. Raven’s the happiest she’s been in a long time.

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia’s fever is spiking again the next morning. She wakes up with chills and bloody mucus and a headache, and she knows it’s time to go in. Since it’s Sunday, her mom doesn’t check on her until around 11am. She’s been coughing and dozing. When Mrs. Blake finally comes in, she feels her daughter’s forehead. Octavia cracks an eye open and moans raspily.

“Do you want to go in today?”

She sighs. “Yeah.”

“Do you have a bag packed?”

“No. I didn’t get to it.”

“Okay. I’m going to call your team.”

She nods.

Raven comes in a minute later and grabs a bag out of the closet.

“How ya doing, O?”

She tries to answer, but is too busy coughing.

“Yeah. That’s kind of what I thought. I came to help you pack.”

Octavia slowly makes her way out of bed and starts getting dressed while Raven packs up a bag for her. She gets to the hospital around noon, and the rest of the day is spent getting x-rays and PFTs and meeting with various specialists.

 

Lincoln visits her that evening. She’s only half-awake but gives a little wave.

“Hi,” he says, rubbing her arm gently.

“Hi.”

“How do you feel?”

“Kinda like death.”

He kisses her forehead. “I’m glad you didn’t wait any longer.”

She’s glad too. They’ve both been a little bit irritable with each other lately because he wanted her to go into the hospital a lot sooner and she wanted him to stop bugging her about it. They put that aside and just soak in each other’s company with The Office on in the background. Octavia falls asleep after a bit and Lincoln stays with her. 

 

She wakes up coughing so hard she gags. Lincoln is there and tries to get her an emesis bin, but it’s a little too late. She vomits kind of everywhere. Octavia tries to catch her breath and begins to flush, feeling bad that Lincoln has to deal with all this. She continues to cough and Lincoln hands her some water to wash out her mouth. There’s puke all over the blankets and down the front of her sweatshirt. When her lungs give her a reprieve, she looks down and grimaces.

“Sorry.”

“O, there’s nothing to be sorry for. You can’t help it.”

“I know.” Her voice breaks, and Lincoln realizes with alarm that she’s crying.

“Hey, hey.” He reaches to hug her, but she pulls away.

“Don’t, I’m disgusting.”

“You’re not. Should we get things cleaned up?” 

She sniffles and nods, getting out from under her blankets and rolling her IV pole so she can grab a new sweatshirt from her bag and goes to the bathroom to change.

Meanwhile, Lincoln pages an orderly to help change the sheets. Octavia gets out and they’re halfway through the process.

“Thanks,” she says, sitting down on the window bench and trying to catch her breath. Her eyes are red and she’s still sniffling when they’re done and she can lay back down in bed.

“O, what’s going on in there?”

“I don’t know. Sorry. I don’t know why I’m doing this,” she says, voice rasping. She wipes at her eyes.

“It’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” He rubs her arm.

She nods.

“Octavia, it’s okay to feel upset. It makes sense that you feel upset. I’m sure you feel shitty between your fever and puking, and oh yeah, your chronic lung disease. So it makes sense to not feel good, and it makes sense to be upset about it.”

She nods again, crying too hard to form words.

“Oh hon.” He sits down on the bed next to her and she buries her head in his shoulder.

“I might only have 6 years. Maybe less,” she murmurs.

“What?”

“A year to get a transplant, 5 years burning out the new lungs, and then I’m done.”

“Those are approximations, Octavia. We don’t know. You could have more.”

“Or less.” She squeaks.

He sighs and hugs her to himself. “I know this is scary. And I’m here.”

“Thank you.”

 

After a while, he pulls her away from himself to look at her.

“Have you ever seen a counselor?”

“No. It’s not like talking is going to cure my problems. I’ll still be dying.”

“But it might help you cope. Don’t knock it till you try it. When my parents died, Anya brought me to counseling. My counselor was really nice and listened and we did some cool stuff. It helped.”

She sighs.

“It’s not that I don’t want to listen. I always will. But a counselor will have unique perspectives and resources that I can’t offer. I just… I want you to have support.”

“Thanks. I’ll… I’ll think about it.”

 

They turn back on The Office and feel strange; simultaneously closer and further apart.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: making out, non-graphic discussion of rape and molestation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters may be coming a little more slowly after this. I have up till ch 21 written currently but they need edits and I am also headed back to work next week. I will still plan to update this, though!

The next day, Octavia and her mother investigate puppies that would be suitable to raise as a service dog for her. They find out that a standard poodle is probably the best option, as it won’t shed and it would be roughly the right height and build. Ms. Blake starts calling breeders nearby; they’ll make visits once O is out of the hospital. Unfortunately, they can’t adopt a rescue to be a service dog, as they have too much unpredictability in behavior and genetics to be a working dog.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Lincoln texts her that afternoon.

 

**Linc: Guess what?**

**O: Idk. What?**

**Linc: Clarke and Lexa are engaged.**

**O: What?!!! When did it happen?**

**Linc: Lexa asked Clarke tonight and she said yes.**

**O: That’s so exciting!!!!**

**Linc: Yup.**

_________________________________________________________________________

 

“How is it at the Blake’s?” Gina asks Raven in the hallway that day, after greeting her with a kiss.

“It was pretty quiet last night without O there.”

“But it’s better, right? Better than your other foster home?”

She nods, leaning into Gina.

“You should come over tonight.”

“Yeah? Will Mrs. Blake mind?”

“I don’t think so. I think she’s spending the evening with O. Maybe even the night.”

“Oh really?”

“Mhm…”

“Well I guess I should come over, then.”

“I guess you should.”

They exchange a hug and then they both have to get to class. They haven’t tried to go past tame kissing or gentle making-out since the whole Raven-accidentally-punching-Gina incident, but both of them want to try more.

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

Octavia has a fever and a horrible headache from the antibiotics. Lincoln comes to visit her in the afternoon, holding her hand and kissing her flushed cheeks. She keeps saying she has “prickly” skin, and he has no idea what she means, but it sounds uncomfortable. They watch Parks and Rec, and she’s really out of it.

“I wish I had a dad,” she says quietly. They had just watched an episode in which Ron acted particularly fatherly toward April.

Something twinges slightly in Lincoln’s chest.

“Um, yeah?”

“Yeah. Someone to goof around and make me feel better. Someone to… I don’t know.”

It’s something they don’t talk about much. It’s a bit too painful for either to bring up when they’re fully awake, but she’s at least somewhat high on the sleep aids she took, and he takes the opportunity to open up to her.

“I um… I kinda wish my dad was still around too.”

“What happened to him and your mom? You’ve never told me.”

“Car crash. I was in 7th grade. I found out from Anya. She had just turned 21.”

She sits up, wrapping her arms around his neck. They sit there for a while, indulging for a moment in their grief. The only sound is her IV pump clicking and her raspy breathing.

“I mean, I have my stepdad, but it’s not the same. He doesn’t even live with us.” Octavia says after a little while.”

“Wait, you have a stepdad?” He asks incredulously.

“Yeah. Why do you think people call my mom Mrs. Blake?”

“I don’t know. You’ve never mentioned him. Why have you never mentioned him?”

“He lives in Japan. He’s more like an annual fling than a husband for my mom. They only see each other once or twice a year. The last time I saw him was allegedly at my eighth birthday party. I don’t remember this at all.”

“That’s kind of… weird.”

“Yeah, well… That’s my mom’s definition of a perfect relationship. Aurora Blake: distant in relationships in more ways than one.”

He chuckles at this, and it lightens the mood between them.

 

Meanwhile, Gina and Raven get back to the Blake’s apartment and order in pizza. They turn on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and sit on the couch, enjoying the time together without other people. Sure, they go on dates, but sometimes it’s nice to just have a night in. 

 

Gina reaches over to kiss her on the cheek, making her grin like a little kid. The other girl slides her plate off her thighs and onto the coffee table, moving to kiss Gina’s soft lips.  A piece of her curly hair falls forward, and she reaches up and gently pushes it behind her ear. Raven trails her finger along her smooth skin longer than necessary. Gina exhales a bit shakily and Raven brushes her hand down her arm, kissing her more heavily. She returns with her tongue in her mouth and Raven responds in kind, holding her face affectionately. 

 

 The latina leans back, letting Gina sort of fall on top of her as she brushes her side and hips, continuing to kiss her. She can tell that Gina is watching for signs that she should stop. She keeps looking up into her eyes, which is only turning Raven on more. But as they continue making out, Gina putting more of her weight on her, there’s a growing part somewhere in Raven’s brain that is feeling uncomfortable. Like, she-might-have-a-panic-attack kind of uncomfortable.

“Can I…?” Gina’s reaching for the hem of her shirt. 

_ Shit. They should really talk first. _

“Um… I really want to…”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

“Shit.”

Gina looks confused and quickly backs off Raven.

“I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“No, I am… Well, sort of. It’s just… we should talk.”

Gina sits back, waiting for Raven to say something.

“Um, I really like you a lot.”

“I like you a lot too,” Gina says with a gentle smile.

“And I’ve never wanted to go this far with anyone else. I mean, I’ve never dated anyone else.”

Gina waits for her to continue.

“But that doesn’t mean… I haven’t gone farther.”

“What do you mean?”

Raven’s heart feels like it’s pushing its way toward her intestines.

“Um… My mom’s boyfriend. Well, boyfriends, I guess. They um… They’re jerks. She’s always dated jerks.”

She waits.

“Um… the first time was when I was 11. My mom’s boyfriend at the time, um, hurt me. It happened a few times with him, and then again a couple of times with her new boyfriend and his… friend.”

“What do you mean by hurt?” Gina asks softly.

“I mean… they touched me. And raped me. And it’s made me kind of weird about being close to people, and I’m trying and I want to, but it’s just... hard.”

Gina is biting her lip, and she wonders if she’s freaked out or doesn’t want to be with her or--

“I’m so sorry, Raven. No one should have to experience that.”

Raven’s eyes fill with tears and she shakes her head.

“Can I hug you?”

Raven nods, and Gina wraps her arms gently around her girlfriend. They’re both crying, and for a while they just sit there, holding each other.

“Raven, If you don’t want things to go further, they don’t have to. I don’t want to do anything that’s going to make you uncomfortable.” She says, pulling away.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Okay.”

“I’m saying I need to take things slow. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, but I need to kind of retrain my brain that being with someone isn’t always traumatic. And I need to avoid things that are going to make me freak out, cause I get kinda panicky sometimes. Like when I accidentally hit you. I’m really sorry about that, by the way.”

“It’s forgiven, Raven. You already said you were sorry.”

“Yeah, but I should have just told you what was going on, not just said I wasn’t ready.”

“It’s okay. Thanks for telling me now. I’m glad you feel comfortable talking to me about this.”

“I just… I wanted you to understand.”

“What can I do to help?”

“You’re already doing a lot. Checking in with me is really helpful. And maybe just… At least at first if I could be sort of… on top of things. If you know what I mean. Just… not holding me down or anything.”

“Okay.” 

Gina nods, and Raven kisses her on the lips. “Thank you.”

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia still isn’t feeling great the next day, and Lincoln wants to spend the whole afternoon with her. Then he gets a text from Lexa saying she wants to wedding plan. He ends up making them come to the hospital, because he doesn’t want to leave Octavia’s side and Lexa, Clarke, and Anya all show up and sit around Octavia’s bed, swathed in masks and gowns, discussing the wedding. Everything goes well until Clarke and Lexa start talking about wedding colors.

“Clarke, pink is so… I don’t know. I don’t like it.” Lexa says.

“But black, white and red is so boring. So typical.”

“Love I just want it to be classy. Pink is so… I don’t know, frilly.”

Octavia pipes up from her bed. “This isn’t my business, but what if you guys did like a champagne pink, something really subtle and classy, with black and white accents?”

Anya points at her, nodding. “That’s good. I like that.”

Octavia appreciates the validation, as most of the time Anya kind of terrifies her. 

Lexa nods. “That could work. Are you okay with it, love?”

Clarke agrees, smiling. Octavia’s doctor comes in just then, and Clarke looks shocked.

“Mom?”

“Clarke? What are you doing here?”

“Lexa and I are wedding planning. Are you Octavia’s doctor?”

“Yes. How do you know her?”

“My brother is dating her,” Lexa speaks up.

“Oh. Well, isn’t this a small world.” Abby walks over to Octavia. “How are your symptoms?”

“My skin is still really prickly.”

“The nurses say your fever hasn’t gone down at all either. I’m thinking about switching you to another antibiotic.”

“Can I stay on this another couple of days?”

Abby nods.

“Thanks.”

“How’s the wedding planning going?” She asks Clarke and Lexa.

“Well, we’ve finally decided on the wedding colors, thanks to Octavia.” Lexa says, rubbing her fiance’s hand gently, to make sure she knows there are no hard feelings.

“And we have our venue,” Clarke pipes in.

“Well, do the brides need a dinner break? I’ve got my break in 15 minutes, if you want to join me.”

“Sounds good,” Clarke says.

 

When they come back from supper, Octavia’s fever has spiked. She’s pretty emotional and starts crying when the nurse tells her that her fever is at 104 degrees. By mid-evening she’s drenched in a cold sweat, and shivering.

“I don’t feel good.” 

Lincoln kisses her hot forehead. “I know.”

Clarke is in med school and knows how to make her feel a little bit better. Wetting down washcloths, she lays them on Octavia’s shivery, sweaty body, helping it to cool down. She also rubs Vics vaporub on Octavia’s chest, which helps to clear her sinuses somewhat. It makes the fever drop two degrees, and makes her feel cared-for, which might be even more important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to tell me in the comments about what parts of this story you like best, that will help me write more chapters! Also, just if you have any suggestions or ideas, I'm always game.


	19. Chapter 19

It takes a week, but the antibiotics start working. Octavia’s feeling better; a lot better. Her mom has found 2 standard poodle breeders. Octavia kind of loathes the shaved face and giant poofs that are typical of poodle clipping, but apparently if you let their face hair grow and keep their body hair all at a short length, they look like a labradoodle or a giant teddy bear, and she’s sold. Lincoln makes the highest noise she’s ever heard out of him when they show him a picture of a poodle puppy with what’s known as a “puppy clip.”

“You like it, Lincoln?”

“It’s so curly. And it looks like it’s smiling.”

Octavia grins. She loves it when he gets excited.

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Raven and Gina are grossly in love, and Mrs. Blake has noticed. She doesn’t say much beyond, “Raven, I’m happy you and Gina found each other. Make sure you’re both tested before having sex.” She takes this with an awkward nod and a shutter. Octavia later tells her that Mrs. Blake had a similar conversation with her, but included a trip to the doctor to get a prescription for birth control. She confides in Raven that she and Lincoln still haven’t done it. They don’t feel ready, and that’s fine with both of them.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

It’s Thanksgiving in a week, and Gina invites Raven to her family’s dinner, since the Blakes will most likely spend it at the hospital with Octavia. She’s had dinner and hung out with Gina’s parents many times, but hasn’t met most of her extended family, and is a little nervous.

“So my grandparents don’t know I’m gay,” Gina says. They’re sitting on Raven’s bed watching Gilmore Girls.

“They’ll find out at Thanksgiving?”

“Yeah. Actually, since I’ve never dated before you, I’m not sure any of my family knows besides my parents and Aunt Susan.” 

“Wow. Alright, we can do this.”

“I don’t really know what to expect from them either. My aunt Maria and uncle Ben have never said anything really homophobic, but I can’t really be sure. They’re not married. They’re both siblings with my mom and aunt Susan. Ben’s got a girlfriend now. They’ve been dating for a couple of years. Aunt Maria’s been married twice and divorced both times..”

“I mean… If you want, I could just come as your ‘friend.’ It’d be easier; less pressure.”

“No. I’m proud of you. I want everyone to know how much you mean to me.”

“Aww, babe.” Raven plants a kiss on Gina’s cheek, then another on her neck. “We can do this.”

Gina kisses her back, and things are getting a little hot and heavy when Mrs. Blake knocks on Raven’s door.

“Raven, I’m going to visit Octavia. Do you and Gina want to come along?”

She looks over and Gina nods.

“Sure. We’ll be ready in a minute.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

Gina has never visited O in the hospital, and is a little disconcerted when she sees the girl in the hospital bed.

“Hey O. How how are you?”

“A little better, finally. I think these drugs are actually working.”

“Good.”

Raven sits down next to Octavia on her bed.

“So what was that text two nights ago about service llamas?” Raven asks, smiling wryly.

“Um… I may or may not have been really loopy off the sleep aids they gave me.”

“Yeah, it seemed a little out there.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It definitely entertained me.”

“What have I been missing at school?”

“Not a lot except Kane having a meltdown over the upcoming election.”

“Mmm, bet that was exciting.”

“It definitely made class more bearable. So when do you think you’ll be able to come home?”

“Hopefully before Thanksgiving.”

“That’d be good. It feels like you’ve been in here forever.”

  
  


____________________________________________________________

  
  


She ends up staying 10 days in the hospital, and is sent home with IVs to continue for another two weeks. Tutoring is a nightmare, and she worries her grades are going to slip because of how much she missed, but Raven and Lincoln both promise to help her.

 

The weekend arrives and Mrs. Blake, Raven, Lincoln, and Octavia take a trip outside of town to visit a standard poodle breeder. The CF patient is wide-eyed as a group of puppies approach her. She sits down on the grass, and the puppies envelop her, one licking her arm, another jumping into her lap. Lincoln is having a field day; playing tug of war with one of the puppies while another curls against his side.

“Mom, how am I going to pick just one?” Octavia asks, rubbing the belly of one of the puppies, who had rolled over on its back.

“I’m sure you’ll come to a good conclusion.”

Raven is playing fetch with another puppy.

After an hour and a half, she and Lincoln narrow it down to one puppy, a serious and well-behaved dog who is bright and sweet.

“What do you think you’ll name her?” Lincoln asks.

“Aceso after one of the Greek goddesses. I’ll call her Ace, though.”

“Nice.”

It will be a few more weeks till Ace will be ready to come home with them, but they start making preparations, going to the pet store to pick out a collar, leash, bowls, and food. 

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

Octavia is actually feeling pretty good by Thanksgiving. The Blakes end up having their meal at 1pm, and the Martins have theirs at 4, so Raven ends up going to both. The Blakes’ meal isn’t anything fancy. Mrs. Blake hates cooking and they have roast chicken with green beans, mashed potatoes, and a store-bought pie. It’s fun to have Bellamy home, and he and Lincoln watch football together while Octavia does her vest and nebulizers. 

 

Mrs. Martin loves cooking and baking, and the Martins’ Thanksgiving is quite the affair. Raven arrives at 3 for appetizers, dressed in dark jeans and a red flowy top. When Gina greets her with a hug, she looks nervous and agitated. 

“You okay?” Raven whispers.

“I feel like I’m going to be sick.”

“We’ve got this.” She squeezes her girlfriend’s shoulder, then wraps an arm behind her as she walks with Gina into the living room. Her aunt Susan, who’s only 6 years older than the girls and thinks their relationship is adorable, greets Raven with an easy smile.

“Gina, who’s your friend?” A gray-haired woman with glasses on asks. She’s sitting on a recliner with a glass of wine in her hand.

“Actually Gram, this is my girlfriend, Raven. We’ve been dating since spring.” She shakes a bit when she says it.

“Oh.” There’s a pause and a silence that makes Raven tighten her grip on Gina’s waist. She’s ready to defend their relationship.

 

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you, Raven. I’m Grace Martin. This is my husband, Berle.”

Raven lets out the breath she was holding.

“It’s so nice to meet you both,” she says, shaking Grace’s hand, then Berle’s.

“Tell us about yourself, Raven.” Berle says, grabbing her hand and guiding her to sit down on a stool by the arm chair he’s sitting in.

“Um, I’m in my Junior year, like Gina.”

“Do you know what you want to do when you go to college?”

“I want to go into aerospace engineering.”

“Wow. You must be pretty smart, young lady.” He says, patting her hand and smiling at Gina.

“She is. She’s already done with all of her math and science for high school. Now she’s doing college-level courses.”

“That’s so wonderful,” Grace bubbles. “We’re so glad our granddaughter is with a smart girl.” 

Raven wants to cry, she’s so happy. She hadn’t expected it to go nearly this well.

“Well, I feel lucky to be her girlfriend. You’ve got a really great granddaughter.”

Raven meets Gina’s uncle Ben and his girlfriend Renee and they’re both perfectly nice.

 

Things are going really well until Gina’s aunt Maria arrives. She comes in yelling at her kids, and loudly greats Grace and Berle, then goes into the kitchen to greet Elizabeth and Gerard Martin. Finally, she comes back into the living room.

“Gina, how’s school going?” She asks, pulling out a plastic bag full of goldfish crackers for her toddler, who is currently climbing on the back of the sofa. Her older children, a girl with blonde pigtails and a boy in a plaid shirt, are screaming and running up and down the stairs.

“Good. Aunt Maria, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Raven.” She says loudly, over the shrieking of the kids.

“Girlfriend?” Maria asks pointedly.

“Yes. Raven and I have been dating since a little before prom last spring.”

“You’re a lesbian?” No one could miss the tone of disapproval in her voice.

“Yes.”

She doesn’t say anything, just walks into the kitchen. They can hear her sharp, articulate whispers with Gina’s mom between screams from her children. Raven is staring fiercely toward the kitchen, and Gina unfurls one of her clenched fists to hold her hand. They only catch snippets of the conversation, but definitely hear a few crudely worded slurs.

“It’s fine.” She murmurs.

Apparently Grace’s hearing is better than most older people’s because she hears that, and says, “No it’s not. I’ll be right back.” Gina helps her stand up, and she goes into the kitchen.

“Maria Martin, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Mom, I--”

“Coming into Lizzie and Ger’s house and telling them how to raise their daughter, especially when your Ava nearly got expelled from 2nd grade this year for her behavioral issues. Second grade! Imagine what she’ll be like when she’s in high school. Gina is smart and well-mannered, and she’s dating a beautiful, intelligent and capable girl, which is more than I can say about your last husband. Their relationship has lasted as long as that entire marriage, and you have the nerve to criticize her?”

Gina raises her eyebrows at Berle, who’s chuckling silently. Raven mouths, “Slay” at Gina.

“I’m 61 years old, and I have nothing but love for my granddaughter and her girlfriend. Now you had better get yourself together and put aside your old fashioned nonsense if you want to enjoy Thanksgiving with us. Otherwise, I think you had better leave.”

There’s a long silence, and then a huff and angry footsteps.

“Kids, we’re leaving.” She yells down the stairs, picking up her toddler, who has started coloring the floor with a marker. No one talks as she herds her kids out the door.

 

Gina has tears in her eyes, and Raven pulls her in for a hug.

“Now that’s better,” Grace says emphatically. 

“I’m sorry.” Gina whimpers.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Grace coos, handing Gina her glass of wine. “Now we can enjoy a nice meal.”

The rest of the evening is peaceful and the other members of Gina’s family are kind and engaging as they eat and talk late into the evening.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things finally snap.

It’s December, and Octavia’s been feeling sort of okay. She hasn’t needed to use the wheelchair quite as often, and is able to lower the amount of oxygen going into her cannula when she’s sitting down.

 

Meanwhile, Raven is struggling. The worst part of it is, she doesn’t feel like she has the right to be.

“Babe, what’s going on?”

Raven had zoned out as she and Gina were watching something.

“Nothing.”

“You seem kind of distant lately.”

“Sorry. I um…” She trails off.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Rae, you can talk to me.”

“I don’t know… It’s sort of hard to explain.”

Gina waits.

“I…” She sighs. “I’ve just been feeling weird lately. Like, I’ve been having these panicky moments where I can’t think straight and can’t move and all I can think about is…. Well, stuff that happened a long time ago.”

“Like?”

“Like stuff with my mom’s boyfriends. And her ODs,” She says flatly. 

“Like flashbacks?”

“I don’t know. I guess.”

“How long has this been happening?”

“I don’t know. A few weeks?”

Gina snuggles closer to her, picking up her hand and massaging it. “That sounds awful.”

“It’s fine.”

“Rae, you don’t have to be tough around me. You know that.”

She nods but doesn’t otherwise react. Because maybe she has to be tough for herself. Because what if she lets herself be soft and then can’t get through it anymore? She continues to watch the movie with Gina, but her mind gets lost again. 

 

_____________________________________________________

 

“Octavia, time to get up,” Her mom says, rapping on the door.

She’s been awake and coughing for the last two hours, and getting up is a struggle. She tries her best though, because today is an exciting day. It’s the day that Ace, her service dog in training, will be coming home.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

“Rae, wake up.”

She forces her eyes open, holding her blankets in a death grip. Her breath is coming too fast, and her face and neck are wet with tears. Octavia is standing next to her bed, coughing.

“We’re picking up Ace today.”

“Right, yeah.” she says, getting out of bed. Her pajamas are soaked in sweat. She’s trying to slow her breathing.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine, yeah.”

“Rae, talk to me.”

“I don’t want to, okay?” She says harshly. 

“Alright,” Octavia says, raising her eyebrows.

Raven had been having a vivid nightmare, and is now finding herself struggling to stay in the present. This is a happy day for Octavia, though so she fakes her way through. Lincoln joins them and Mrs. Blake drives them out to the country. They’ve brought along a kennel, water bowl, collar, and leash for the service dog in training. 

 

Octavia is a little miserable, and almost throws up twice in the car because of how hard she’s coughing. The puppy lifts her spirits when she bumbles over to her, nuzzling its wet nose against her legs. When she has to sit down because she’s coughing so hard, she lays her head down on top of her leg, and Octavia smiles.

 

____________________________________________________________________

 

Ace is affectionate and loyal, not only to Octavia, but to Raven. She’s been struggling. Her nightmares leave her exhausted and tense in the mornings and her flashbacks have led to frequent panic attacks. She’s struggling to stay focused in school, and things are just all-around  _ hard.  _

 

 One night she’s sitting in her room, trying to fend off a panic attack, when there’s a scratching sound at her door. She goes over and opens it to find Ace sitting there. She wags her tail when she sees her, and sidles into the room, staring up at her. 

“Well, invite yourself in, why don’t you.”

Her tail wags furiously, thumping against the side of her bed.

“Alright buddy, come ’ere.” She lifts the puppy up, putting her on her bed, and lays down next to her. The little puppy rests on her head on Raven’s stomach and some of the tension she’s been holding dissipates. 

“You know, little puppy, you’re pretty amazing.”

 

_________________________________________________

  
  


Bellamy is home on a long weekend and notices Raven’s withdrawal from everything. Saturday evening, Bellamy slips away from the movie night with his mom and Octavia to find Raven in her room staring at a blank wall and trying to stop crying. 

“Hey.”

She startles and wipes her face. 

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

He sits down on the floor across from her bed. He’s always so careful around her, making sure she’s comfortable. Even though they’ve known each other forever, he knows Raven can easily be set off by someone being too close or accidentally brushing up against her.

“So… It’s been a lot the last year, hasn’t it?”

She’s quiet.

“Rae?”

“Try the last 17 years.”

He nods.

“It’s weird that the time I’m finally  _ out  _ of that hellhole is when I decide to have a nervous breakdown about it all.”   
“It’s not that weird. You’re finally safe to have those emotions. You can kind of let your guard down.”

“I think Gina’s going to break up with me.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been so shitty and distant and snappy. Who stays with someone like that?”

“It’s okay to struggle, Rae.”

“Yeah, but I can’t talk with her about it. I don’t know why. It won’t come out.”

He nods.

“It’s all pretty fucked up.” She presses her lips together and hides her face, trying not to let him see her cry again.

“It sounds really hard.”

She nods and her shoulders jump with a sob.

“It seems like you’re struggling with what to do with everything you feel and think and remember.”

She nods emphatically.

“What do you want to do?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know.”

He waits.

“You probably think I should go see a therapist or something.”

“Is that what you think you should do?”

“See? That is some therapy bullshit and you know it!”

“Sorry.”   
“I just don’t think some rando is going to understand my problems or be able to help with them.”

“It seems like relying on friends right now isn’t going so hot.”

She’s silent a long time.

“I’m already cracked. I’m barely holding it together. If I break, I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.”

“It’s ultimately your decision. No one can force you to open up. You have to do it when you’re ready. But it seems like the dam is already kind of falling apart.”

  
  


They leave the conversation there and it’s not till three weeks later that Raven finally calls Bellamy.

“Hey Rae, what’s up?”

“I think I’m ready.”

“For what?”

“To talk to someone. About all of it.” She sounds kind of urgent and a pang of worry hits Bellamy in the chest.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” Her voice catches on the word.

“Are you safe? Do you need someone with you?”

“Yeah, I’m, I’m fine. I mean, I’m not, but I’m safe. I just broke up with Gina.” Her voice gets higher and she breaks down into a crescendo of sobs.

“Oh.”

“I couldn’t put her through this anymore. I can’t even let her touch me lately. Her leg against mine when we sit next to each other is enough to send me into a panic attack. It’s not fair to her. She didn’t want to break up. It kills me, but I just can’t make her deal with me like this.”

“I’m so sorry.”   
“Yeah, well, I need to deal with this shit. So how do I get a therapist?”

 

Bellamy helps her find some different clinics that have counseling. He also tells her to set up an appointment with the Blakes’ primary care provider. She’s never really had consistent medical care, and he figures they may want to put her on something or at least check that health-wise she’s doing okay. 

 

“Bell?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For all of it. It means a lot that I have kind of a big brother who can help me deal with all this.”

“Of course. And you can drop the “kind of”. We may technically be foster siblings, but you know there’s never been a “foster” in it for me. Ever since Octavia and you became friends, you’ve been like my sister.”

 

Raven hangs up. She’s daunted by the amount of work ahead of her, but the feeling is matched by that of belonging somewhere for once.

  
  


____________________________________________________________________________

  
  
  
  
  
  


Octavia wakes up one morning coughing. That’s usual. She throws up. That’s normal. But then she can’t get herself out of bed an hour later. Or two hours later. Her mom comes in to check on her before she leaves for work.

“Rough morning?”

Octavia nods.

“Do you want me to call the school?”

“Yeah.” She manages in between coughing. “Tell them... I’ll try to come in... later today.”

“Okay.”

 

Ten minutes later, Raven pops her head in.

“Hey, I’m just about to head out. You need anything?”

“More oxygen.” She says raspily.

“Do you have oxygen here or do we need to bring you in?”

“Closet,” she says, pointing and going into another coughing fit.

Raven goes to get it. She pulls the tank off a shelf and brings it over, unhooking Octavia’s tubing from the old tank and reattaching it to the new one. Octavia looks exhausted and drawn.

“You okay, O?”

“Fine,” she says, closing her eyes and breathing in the oxygen from her tubes. “This happens... You know that.”

“Yeah…” She knows, but something just feels different this time.

“Go to school.”

“Okay. Text me if you need anything.”

“Go.”

Raven leaves reluctantly, feeling for some reason like she should stay.

  
  


Two hours later, she checks her phone for messages during Kane’s class. There aren’t any, so she decides to check in on Octavia.

 

**R: Hey dude, you alright?**

 

There isn’t a reply and Raven starts to get worried. She decides if she doesn’t hear from O by noon, she’ll go home check on her during lunch period. The next class’s teacher is strict, but at the end of class, Raven checks her phone and there’s finally a text from Octavia.

 

**O: I think I need to go in.**

 

**R: What’s wrong?**

 

**O: My oxygen sats are really low. Can’t get them back up.**

 

**R: I’m coming right now.**

 

Raven gets out of her seat. Her teacher, who was about to start class, asks her where she’s going, but she doesn’t answer. Before she gets outside, she realizes she’s not going to be able to get Octavia to the hospital by herself. So, her next stop is Lincoln’s class.

 

She arrives at the door just as the teacher, Mr. Pike, is starting. 

“Sorry, um… Family emergency.” She says quickly, shoving her thumb over her shoulder as she looks at Lincoln. He nods quickly and they leave. Neither have a car. They’ll have to use the bus system. It takes an agonizingly long time for the bus to finally get to their stop, and then the ride there takes forever. When they finally get to the stop near the apartment, they both power walk into the building. They can hear Octavia before they even get into the apartment. When they get to her room, they see that she’s been throwing up. Every breath between coughs is a painful, crackling wheeze and she’s barely awake.

“Should I call an ambulance?” Lincoln asks.

Octavia shakes her head.

“Okay. We’re going to have to take the bus then. Do you think your blood sugar is low?”

“Maybe….” she murmurs. Raven notices that the girl’s lips are kind of purple.

“Where’s your phone?”

She shrugs. Lincoln looks around through the blankets and finds it, opening it up to her Dexcom app. It turns out her blood sugar is 48 and dropping.

Lincoln grabs a juice box for her and gets out the glucagon just in case. Meanwhile, Raven packs Octavia a bag.

“Lincoln…” Octavia says, trying to catch her breath. “Mom’s car.”

“You sure she’d be cool with that?”

Octavia nods, sipping the apple juice.

“Hon, have you done airway clearance today?”

“Yeah... Twice.”

“And you’re still wheezing that bad?”

Octavia melts into tears.

“Oh hon. Hey, we’re going to get you feeling better.”

“I don’t feel good.” She whispers before erupting into another coughing fit. 

“I know. You’re going to be okay, I promise.”

“You can’t promise.” She says, and shuts her eyes.

Lincoln puts her oxygen backpack on the back of her wheelchair, then hoists Octavia into it. He then grabs his backpack.

“Raven, you got the rest?”

The latina nods, and they go to the parking garage. It’s a fumble of bags and limbs and oxygen to get Octavia into the car. They put her in the back seat, and Raven climbs in the other side so she can get her buckled. Lincoln speeds as much as he dares to. He keeps on looking at Octavia, then Raven in the rear-view mirror. They can all hear how bad her breath sounds are. About halfway to the hospital, Octavia slumps toward Raven during a sharp turn. She doesn’t lift herself back upright.

“O?” Raven pulls back Octavia’s messy hair and the girl is unconscious. “Octavia? Hey, Octavia?” She pushes her friend so she’s resting against the opposite door and window. Her complexion is gray, lips gone blue. Raven listens for breath and there’s a tiny, gaspy, wheezy one. She has too much gunk in her airways. She can’t breathe.

“L-Linc hurry. She’s barely breathing.”

Lincoln rams on the gas and Raven has to keep her friend from flopping lifelessly with every turn of the car.

“You’re going to be okay, O. We’re getting help. You’ll be okay.” She’s not sure whether she’s saying it more for Octavia or herself.

  
  


When they get to the ER turn-around, a team is already there, thanks to the call Raven made to the hospital. Raven unbuckles Octavia’s seatbelt and holds her friend till two of the med staff hoist her floppy body onto a gurney. 

They both watch the door long after it shuts behind the team.

Someone honks behind them.

“We should go park.”

He nods.

 

_________________________________________________________-

  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! I am alive. I was in the hospital for a little bit and have been dealing with major stress at work and with my health, so I just haven't had the inspiration to write and edit. Being in the hospital was a little bit traumatic and writing about health was kind of the last thing I wanted to do for a little while. But I'm back now!

Two agonizing hours later, they finally hear word from a nurse that Octavia is alive. Raven has been trying to call Mrs. Blake, but she knows the court doesn’t adjourn till 3:30 pm. She’s also tried Bellamy a few times, but he must have his phone on silent during classes. They don’t talk much, too afraid. Finally, a doctor comes to see them.

“Are you Octavia’s family?”

“I’m her sister.” She doesn’t bother to say “foster” sister.

“Okay. She’s stable. We intubated her, and she’s resting on a ventilator now. She has a pretty serious infection.”

“When is she going to come off the vent?”

“We’re not sure.”

Raven nods. She feels sick.

“Can we see her?”

“Yes.”

  
  


They get into the room, and Octavia is a mess. A tube is strapped to her face going into her mouth and extends through a number of blue hoses to what must be a ventilator. Her hair is frizzy and tangled and there are dried tear tracks by her eyes. 

“Hey O,” Raven says softly. Her chest hurts. This is reminding her way too much of the time her mom has ODed and ended up on ventilation. She sits down next to Octavia and picks up her hand.

“You’re going to be okay. We’re here now. Lincoln and I are here and we’re not going anywhere.” Her voice sounds confident, but inside she’s terrified. She’s never seen Octavia like this. She’d heard about her being on a vent a few months back when she’d had a cold, but hadn’t heard the artificial lungs doing the work her friend’s body should have been. She hadn’t seen the limp body or the way the straps pressed into her cheeks.

 

Bellamy calls an hour later.

“Hey, is Octavia okay?”

“She’s in the ICU on a ventilator.”

“What? Oh my god. I’m coming. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Is my mom there?”

“No, she hasn’t picked up her phone.”

“Did you try her secretary?”

“No, I didn’t have her number.”   
He gives it to her, and she phones the secretary, who agrees to try to get in contact with Mrs. Blake.

  
  


___________________________________________________________________________

  
  


When Octavia is finally conscious enough to open her eyes, everything is bright and overwhelming. Then she sees a blue tube close to her. It looks like it might be…  _ Shit.  _ It’s a vent.

Her body feels  _ bad;  _ not just sedated, but feverish and limp. Lincoln is dozing in a chair by her bed. She pushes her tongue against the tube to say something, then remembers of course she can’t. Trying to make a noise by slapping the bed, she realizes she’s completely drained of energy. She attempts to stay awake, to wait for Lincoln to wake up, but her eyes want cover from the sharp light and her brain feels sluggish. She eventually drifts back to sleep.

 

“That’s it, O. Wake up for us. We wanna see your eyes.” It’s Bellamy’s voice.

She struggles to lift her eyelids, feeling the drag of sedation holding her down. Finally, she manages. The hospital lights are too bright.

“Hey,” Bellamy says. His eyes fill with tears.

She looks down and the vent is still in. She can feel it, but not enough to choke on it, which must mean she’s on some pretty good drugs. She lifts her fingers off the bed just barely, but Bellamy sees it and picks up her hand.

“How’re you doing?”

She gives a long blink.

“I know. I’m going to get mom. Don’t fall back asleep, okay?”

She blinks meaningfully. It’s still light out, and her mother is there. This must be serious. A few minutes later, her mom comes in. 

“Hi honey.”

She looks up at her.

“You’ve been here for a couple of days. You have a pretty bad infection. We’re still waiting on test results, but they’re worried it might be B. cepacia”

Her eyes widen.

“They don’t know for sure. It’s going to be okay.”

Things blur as tears fill her eyes.

Bellamy scoots in, knowing their mom doesn’t handle emotions well, and lays down next to her in the bed, hugging her around all the medical equipment. She wants to hug him back, but she’s too tired. Even as she starts to calm down a bit her eyes get too heavy to stay open and she falls asleep.

  
  
  


When she wakes up again, it’s because she’s having trouble breathing. She clutches at her chest and tries to cough, but she can’t.

“Hey, it’s okay.”

She opens her teary eyes and sees Lincoln on the far side of the room. A doctor and a nurse are above her and there are several different pitches of beeping.

“We’re trying to wean you off the vent. Try to relax. I know it doesn’t feel good.”

She reaches a flexed hand out, trying to find something to hold onto, and then Lincoln hurries over to hold it.

“You’re going to be okay.” He says softly. He continues to whisper encouragement till the medical team finally puts her back on full oxygen from the ventilator.

 

The next time she’s conscious, Raven is braiding her hair. She looks up at her and Raven realizes she’s awake.

“Hey friend.” She goes in for an awkward hug around the vent tubing and tube going in her port. “Good to see you awake.”

She blinks sleepily, then points to the tubing.

“I know. Sucks. But you’re getting better. You have one hell of an infection. The doc said it’s pretty rare for them to have to tube a CF patient. You must be extra special.”

Octavia glares.

“But we’re getting you off. They’ve been working on it. Don’t worry.”

Octavia blinks. The sedation is pulling her back under and she lets it.

  
  


It takes 2 more days of horribly uncomfortable “weaning” to try to get her off the vent. Finally, a doctor comes in and says it’s time to take it out. They disconnect the strap from around her face and have her cough while they slide the tube out and it’s about as pleasant as it sounds. She coughs so long and hard she’s afraid they’ll have to put it back in, but with lots of oxygen flowing through a mask and some time, she manages to calm down and start breathing better. Her throat is crazy sore from being intubated, so she doesn’t really want to talk or eat, but ice chips help to ease the discomfort. Bellamy is there and she’s happy she’s finally awake enough to talk.

“Do I have B. cepacia?” She asks, voice hoarse.

“The labs haven’t come back yet. We don’t know.”

She nods nervously, biting her lip. 

“We’re gonna get through it either way.”

“No, it’s a life one way and a death sentence the other. I can’t get new lungs if I have it. My life expectancy drops like 15 years. Maybe more.”

He looks like he wants to argue more, but changes his mind. “I know you’re scared. But I’m here. Mom is at work, but she’ll be here in a few hours. So will Raven and Lincoln. We will be here for you no matter what.”

She nods, shaking a few more ice chips into her mouth from the cup she’s holding.

“What day is it?”

“Monday.”

She closes her eyes, taking in that she’s been in the hospital for 5 days and she barely remembers any of it.

“I think a respiratory therapist is going to be here soon to do some chest PT for you.”

She nods, looking grateful. Her lungs feel terrible after not being able to cough up the mucus collecting for days. They had done some chest PT and suction while she was intubated, but coughing is really what’s needed, and she had been too sedated to do so.

  
  


The chest PT is exhausting but helpful and her CF team comes in shortly after that. Her doctor comes in and reveals without much fanfare that it is not B. cepacia in her lungs. It’s her normal cocktail of bacteria with the addition of a new infection: staph. It had taken her body for a loop, but it’s apparently treatable and shouldn’t jeopardize her life expectancy or lung transplant. She is so relieved she wants to hug her doctor. 

  
  


They treat her with two different antibiotics, leaving her body waylaid with side effects bad enough to leave her in the hospital for several more days. Lincoln, Raven, and her mom visit her every evening while Bellamy keeps her company during the days.

 

She finally goes home on Saturday. They wheel her to the car, and when they get to the parking garage, Bellamy wheels her to the apartment. She doesn’t even insist on walking once inside, which concerns him. He’s never seen her this weak.

“You wanna stay in the living room or go to your room?”

“Room please.”

He wheels her in there, and she gets up and flops down on her bed. “I’ve missed this.”

 

Their mom lets Ace out of the laundry room, and she scurries to Octavia’s bedroom and hops up on the bed, wagging her tail excitedly. Octavia scratches behind her ears.

“Hi sweet girl. I missed you too. Once you’re all trained, you’ll be able to come visit me in the hospital.”

“Wanna watch a movie?” Bellamy asks.

“Sure, you pick.”

Octavia dozes through most of Zoolander and Bellamy has to shake her awake to take her next dose of antibiotics. She falls asleep almost immediately afterward. The infection has taken so much out of her. But she’s okay, Bellamy reminds himself for the umpteenth time. She’s still a transplant candidate, she’s not on a vent, and she’s going to be okay.


End file.
